Not many people would have paid attention to an item buried in the newspaper...about a murder most foul in the crowded textile city of Kanpur....a murder apparently prompted by a surreptitious relationship.

Rajendra Kumar Dwivedi was 38-years-old and married to Shakuntala for 15 years. The couple had no children. Dwivedi had not held a regular job for some time. Four years ago he struck up an unlikely friendship with a man from a different economic and social background- Deputy Chief Medical officer of Allahabad, Dr K D Raj Srivastava. The doctor was married and had a 28-year-old son.

Dwivedi's family says it was an adulterous gay relationship, but neither of the men were out of the closet.

Dwivedi died of head injuries on July 20 after he was allegedly beaten by the doctor's son.

"It is embarrassing for me to describe their relationship. The doctor would give him allurements of lakhs of rupees. On the days my son would not go to him, he would come to our house. He would mock me, saying you are the father, what can you give him? It can't match what I can give him. My son's greed made him go to the doctor's house. He would drink alcohol there. Later he would be sent home in a rickshaw." said Krishan Kumar Dwivedi.

The doctor and his son are now absconding.

The murder pointed to a disturbing and hidden phenomenon of men who engage in sexual activity with other men, regardless of the fact that they are married to women and have children. None of these men are known socially as gays or bisexuals. There is now a supportive and vibrant gay movement in the country....yet only a small population is visible and identified as gay.

Many men who have sexual relations with other men do not consider themselves as gay, nor are they labelled so by others. The meaning of gay is often mistakenly associated with the stereotype of men who are effeminate or transgender. There is a diverse group that is not taken into account...Now public health professionals have started using the term MSM to refer to all men who have sex with other men, whether they identify themselves as gay, bisexual, transgender or heterosexual.

Though there are no precise numbers of MSM, the numbers are believed to be surprisingly large. Many live as heterosexuals among their community, marry and have children.

"I would say 75 to 85 per cent of gay men are married to women. Those who were not married, would eventually get married, " said Manvendra Singh Gohil, Gay Activist and Founder, Lakshya Trust.

"We know that in South Asia in terms of the population that we reach out to, anything upto 50 per cent of the gays are married or will get married." said Shivananda D G Khan OBE, Chief Executive, Naz Foundation International.

Little data is available, but there is anecdotal evidence from MSM who visit cruising sites, gay bars and gay parties to meet others.

"Lot of people come every week, or every month from Pune into Bombay. They have lot of friends, there are gay parties. You can't hold a gay party where you pay Rs 500 or Rs 400 per ticket. And 10 people coming. You need a mass urban culture for that. You need a consumer base for that. Obviously, there is something commercial associated with that. Bombay has these gay parties where there are 400-500 people and they are paying 400 rupees a ticket, can you imagine,  you can imagine the money, the ticket collections,"  said Ashok Row Kavi, Gay Activist and Founder, Humsafar Trust.

When asked if a lot of these men were married, Ashok Row Kavi said "Of course they are married men. . 80% or 75% of these are married. The issue of being married in public, gay in private raises a range of ethical concerns, particularly those involving their wives.

But as we speak to a cross-section of MSM, we find an unwillingness to explore these concerns in depth. It stems from their understanding that they are the victims having been pushed underground by a society that has stigmatised male to male sexual relations.

Last month the Delhi High Court overturned Section 377 of the IPC,  which criminalised gay sex between consenting adults. It was a victory but the reality on the ground is slow to change and negativity around MSMs continues to exist.. They say that to belong to the mainstream, the straight world, and to maintain bonds with their families and community, they are compelled to marry.

In South Asia, marriage is compulsory for social and religious reasons...

Bangalore based Pranav says he knew he was attracted to men when he said yes to marriage. Pranav divorced his straight spouse. "I must have been around 24-25, that's the time when typically the pressure of marriage comes in and the same happened to me. I couldn't really voice this out by saying yes I do have other preferences in my life or atleast in my past, I did have. I don't think I had the courage to discuss at that moment."

Sanjay, who belongs to Delhi, says his refusal to marry led to threats of suicide by his mother. "It so happened that my mother fell seriously ill. Since she wanted me to get married, I decided to suppress my feelings. But I was fearful whether my marriage would be a success."

"There are those who are out to the family, but they are not out of this burden. In fact the marriage pressure is more. Okay, get married and things will be alright. There is so much of pressure..marriage..marriage everywhere. It's a very big issue. It has happened with a friend of mine based in Chandigarh. He was a doctor. He got married because of the pressure and because of his relationship, he was not happy. After seven months he committed suicide because he could not bear the tension, the pressure. However, there are others who choose to marry. In a patriarchal society, there is convenience in marriage. It also provides the perfect cover," said Rahul Singh, Gay Activist.

"There are these Asian values. We need a wife who can cook for us, clean for us, take care of us when we get old. We need a wife because we need a son, to perform all duties in our old age," said Shivananda Khan.

Ashok Row Kavi never married, but he found that like women, men too had very little negotiating power to remain single. 

"The boy does not bring in dowry, that means there is no children, so its a dead end. Like my mom would always called me vansha mrityu. She never gave me a single piece of jewellery. She did not see me as someone who would carry on their name. Its true, its not their fault. For example, now I am 60. But invitations do not come to me. They still go to her. At the age of 60 I don't exist in the social system. Single men and women don't exist. If  you go to any of the Hindu temples..you don't do worship as a single person.  If you go as a single person, they tie supari to your veshti to signify your spouse. So, you know, the unit of the social system is a family," said Ashok Row Kavi.

Rahul is also among the miniscule minority of gays who chose not to marry but to do this he had to relocate to a different city and leave his job.

For most it is very hard to be independent from the family. Gay activists say one reason is the lack of welfare systems in the country.

Prince Manvendra Gohil says many belong to joint families, and face the prospect of losing their share of the family property or business. Gohil, who is the founder of Lakshya Trust, became the first royal to come out of the closet in 2006. It was several years after his own marriage broke up in 1992..He tells us his story;

"I wanted to get married because I thought marriage would change my behaviour. I was married off to a girl from another royal family." said Prince Manvendra Gohil

The marriage was a disaster.... for both of them.

"I never consummated the marriage and it lasted for 15 months. I had no attraction, no feeling toward my ex-wife. The marriage had to be called off. There was no use living with each other, having no physical relationship with each other. Unfortunately in most marriages breaking up, the blame goes on the female rather than the male. And they kind of made wrong allegations on her that she was a bad character woman, rather than finding out the real fault with me. And it was when she parted with me that she told me that I want to tell you that you have tried to spoil my life, but I would request you to please not do it to another girl." said Prince Manvendra Gohil

In March this year, a resident of the upmarket Peddar Road, Mumbai, took her gay businessman husband to court. It was one of the few cases of its kind to become public knowledge. In her complaint she said her 40-year-old husband was in a gay relationship with a sailor of the Merchant Navy. The couple had married 15 years ago and had an eight-year-old son.

Some details of the case found resonance....a majority of wives, for instance, say they remain unaware of these clandestine encounters for years. Little is known of what they go through when they learn their trust has been betrayed.

We find MSM are candid about their personal lives, but reluctant to allow us to meet their wives, even in cases where they are out of the closet to them. 

Take Vijaybhai Darji who lives in Vadodara. "She had no idea about my sexuality," said Vijaybhai Darji. But four years ago, his family members came across some love letters. "My wife left me for one year and went to her parents' house. Everybody convinced her to return for the sake of her children".

His wife returned home but told him she would never have married him if she had known of his sexual orientation earlier.

"The betrayal has been from my side, not hers. The children have no idea about my being gay. It is between my wife and me. When I am home I behave like a male. Its only when I go out with my friends, or go to picnics, that I adopt some mannerisms and make a ruckus," said Vijaybhai Darji. He claims on his wife's behalf that she is now well adjusted and happy.

We have to piece the wives' story from the accounts given by their husbands and read between the lines. So here are some testimonies;

Suresh, married to a straight spouse: My family knows about this because I was trying to elope with my boyfriend. They got me married for respectability in society. If I was allowed to live with a man I would never have married. Not even to have children. We would have adopted them.

Rafiq, married to a straight spouse: First she was very uncomfortable. She was from a rural area and did not know about lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders, and the fact that they have a community. What she wanted, according to society's rules and regulations, and the Shariat law, I have tried to see that she is not neglected. Sometimes I do feel guilty. Suppose Section 377 had not existed and homosexuality was legalised, I would have not ruined a girl's life. She must be hurt internally.   

For the wives, it's a life of murky secrets. In Sanjay's case, his wife learnt about his sexuality after nine years;

Sanjay, married to a straight spouse: At that time a boy came into my life and I got confused, should I stay with my boyfriend or with my wife? After a few days I decided to tell her that I am gay. While telling her, I was crying. So she also started crying. She said she needed a week's time to think. After a week, she said as we have been married for a long time and in these years you never hurt me, I will accept you on the condition that whatever you do will be outside our home.

"Its hard and at one point they reach a stage when they want out of the marriage. What gay men probably don't factor in is that, it is easier for them to lead double lives, to still be able to cruise in parks or pick men up at bars and pubs, to live this completely dichotomous life between being married. But their wives do not have the same freedom. Either sexually or in terms of mobility to be able to live like that," said Aarti Mundkur Lawyer, Alternative Law Forum.

Activists say an MSM can never fulfill a wife's expectation because he desires other men, emotionally and sexually. In a patriarchal culture, women are taught to have less desires. But the conflict leads to emotional violence and physical violence.

"I have been trying to deal with this issue for a long time because predominantly my work has been with men. I know levels of violence in the community against women, the misogyny, is tremendous. And it has nothing to do with individual men. It is the overall environment. For example a recent case. A man who was thirty is married to a girl who was about 15. And because she is not getting pregnant, the family of the man is keeping her in the house and they beat her up regularly because she is not getting pregnant. This guy actually told us that I too hit her sometimes. I told her but you are not even having sex with her. Why are you beating her? So it is violation at so many levels." said Anjali Gopalan, Executive Director, Naz Foundation India.

With women in these relationships marginalised and invisible, the levels of violence does not get talked about. Unlike the West, there are no crisis centres, no networks for straight spouses and no helplines.

Experts say groups that work with sexuality have focused on empowering MSM, failing to realise that an important part of the triangle is their wives.

"They have to be able to address lifestyles of gay men, the choices that gay men make. Is there someone to turn around and say, think of what you are doing to her? Where are the groups that are talking about sexuality or the right to sexual preferences taking on board the question that gay men married to women is as much a question of that woman's sexuality as it is about this man's life, being gay and necessarily living in a closet. They need to talk about this squarely and talk about this in terms of her," said Aarti Mundkur Lawyer, Alternative Law Forum.

A first step would be to acknowlege the large number of straight spouses in society, and their need for help and ongoing support.

Watch Part-II of our special show, Married in Public, Gay in Private, Friday at 9:30 pm (IST) on NDTV 24x7. Missed Part-I? Watch it here

Gay Men in Straight Marriages: A Special