What Is Narcissism, The Word Dominating Dating Conversations

"Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism."

It is a famous quote by Frank Salvato, an American author. This one-line quote says more in-depth about toxic relationships than one can summarise in a book.

Any relationship demands respect, love, care, and understanding. However, when one person has a high sense of their own importance, needs excessive attention, and wants everyone to admire them, they often start pushing their partner away without realising it. This is a classic narcissistic personality.

According to a Mayo Clinic report, a narcissistic personality disorder affects many aspects of life, including finances, work, and personal relationships. People with this personality often feel disappointed when they don't get the attention they seek and appear unhappy.

They feel their relationships are unfulfilling and envy others. Why are we suddenly talking about narcissism? It is among the trending terms dominating modern-day dating conversations. Don't fret! We reached out to experts seeking their opinions on what narcissism is and how to spot red flags in a relationship.

What Is Narcissism

Before diving into the red flags, it is crucial to understand what qualifies as narcissism. Sarthak Paliwal, a practising psychotherapist and academician, said, "Any relationship is often based on giving equal space and regard to the other individual. Both people in the relationship want to feel seen and heard. Whenever an individual starts taking more space and placing their demands and needs consistently over the other person, making them feel small and cornered, it might be the birth of narcissism in a relationship."

A narcissist may dominate conversations, dismiss their partner's feelings or turn every conflict into a narrative about themselves. Over time, the relationship can begin to feel emotionally draining for the other person. Photo: Freepik

The founder of Khair by Sarthak, a mental health venture in New Delhi, shared his experience and said that he has come across many patients who have felt their partner or loved one was belittling them and making them feel less important. He mentioned that a narcissistic person can make it seem like their desires are crucial, and if their partner fails to give them the attention they seek, it threatens the existence of the relationship.

Dr Deepti Kanade Modak, Psychologist at Jupiter Hospital, Pune, further explained that a narcissist may dominate conversations, dismiss their partner's feelings or turn every conflict into a narrative about themselves. Over time, the relationship can begin to feel emotionally draining for the other person.

"They may externalise blame, minimise their partner's concerns or rewrite events to protect their self-image. This can lead to confusion and emotional self-doubt in the partner," she told NDTV.

What Are The Red Flags To Look Out For

Now that you know who a narcissistic person is and how they can manipulate you, it's time to dive into the red flags. Sarthak Paliwal said, "In today's time, people are very quick to label any uncomfortable or difficult actions as 'red flags' of a relationship. However, when we are on the topic of narcissism, there are some clear red flags that can be highlighted."

Narcissistic traits are often masked by charisma, confidence and attentiveness at the beginning. Photo: Freepik

Red flags of a narcissistic personality noted by both experts include,

• They prioritise their needs
• They don't allow anyone's point of view to exist in the room
• Their mood or feelings take the centre stage in a relationship
• They govern the tone of the relationship
• They persistently want to be praised or validated
• They gaslight and make their partner question their reality
• They find it difficult to respect boundaries
• They charm their partner in the initial phase of a relationship and emotionally withdraw later
• They disguise their controlling behaviour as concern

Dr Deepti Khande Modak noted, "Narcissistic traits are often masked by charisma, confidence and attentiveness at the beginning. The shift happens gradually, once emotional dependency sets in."

What Should Not Be Confused With Narcissism

Now that more people know about narcissistic personalities, psychologists are concerned about the overdiagnosis. One needs to understand that not every argument in a relationship stems from narcissism.

One needs to understand that not every argument in a relationship stems from narcissism. Photo: Freepik

Dr Deepti Khande Modak said, "Being emotionally reserved, ambitious or assertive does not automatically make someone narcissistic. Introversion, past trauma, attachment issues or poor communication skills can sometimes mimic narcissistic traits but stem from very different psychological roots."

She also cautioned people against weaponising the term during disagreements and break-ups. "Labelling an ex-partner as a narcissist may provide temporary emotional relief, but it oversimplifies human behaviour and can prevent genuine self-reflection." 

The expert wanted to emphasise the fact that clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition that requires professional assessment - not social media checklists.

Sharing their experience, Sarthak Paliwal said that his clients bring up the issue that while they might be comfortable in articulating their fears, others might be confused. This makes the individual feel that their clear-headedness might be too demanding or narcissistic for the other. But that is not true. Sometimes, people just need time to fall on the same page of the book and have healthy conversations that give space to both people and their feelings.

Why Narcissism Is At The Centre Of Dating Conversations Today

These days, relationships are weighed as red, green, yellow, and beige flags. The world of dating is defined by the trends, like hot-take dating, choremancing, and sunset clause, among others. We have mechanised relationships, which are supposed to be driven by emotions.

Understanding narcissism can help people set healthier boundaries. Photo: Freepik

Speaking about why narcissism is dominating dating conversations, Dr Deepti Kanade Modak said, "The rise of dating apps, social media culture and self-branding has made people more sensitive to ego-driven behaviour. While this awareness is important, nuance is equally essential."

"Healthy relationships require empathy, accountability and emotional safety. But they also require tolerance for human imperfections," she further added.

"Understanding narcissism can help people set healthier boundaries, but misusing the label can damage trust and emotional insight," the expert concluded.

While we are on the lookout for red flags in other people, it is equally important to self-introspect and seek professional guidance from experts rather than self-diagnosing.

Also Read | Why Is Modern Dating Hard? A Mumbai Neurologist Breaks Down Challenges