What Is Ghostlighting, A Toxic Dating Trend Blending Ghosting And Gaslighting

Just when we thought we had heard enough of Gen Z terms such as benching, situationship and choremance, yet another one has joined the list of “toxic dating trends”. The most recent term is “ghostlighting”, which is allegedly even worse than “ghosting”. As relationships become increasingly complicated, it is common for people to label their behaviours with trending terms. And that is how new phrases continue to enter the dating scene, which was once seen as a genuine promise between two individuals to stay committed to each other.

Before jumping into “ghostlighting”, let us first understand what "ghosting" is. It refers to ending a relationship suddenly by stopping all communication with someone, according to the Cambridge Dictionary. One partner "vanishes" like a ghost, halting all interaction via texts, calls and social media – without any explanation or warning – leaving the other person feeling hurt and confused. Considered a form of passive-aggressive and emotionally painful abandonment, ghosting leaves the victim without closure. It can also occur in friendships and even in the workplace.

What Makes “Ghosting” Even Worse Is “Ghostlighting”

This toxic dating trend is when someone not only disappears abruptly (ghosting their partner) but also, before disappearing, manipulates the victim by questioning their perceptions, feelings, or version of events, according to USA Today. This is a form of gaslighting, where the toxic partner slowly distorts the truth and shifts the blame for their later disappearance onto the victim.

For context, gaslighting is a form of persistent psychological manipulation and emotional abuse in which a perpetrator makes someone question their own reality, memories, or sanity to gain power, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Tactics include lying, denying, or trivialising events, which eventually make the victim dependent on the abuser.

How Ghostlighting Works

Ghostlighting – a toxic combo of "ghosting" and "gaslighting" – even make the victim doubt themselves, their actions, words and behaviours, believing they somehow caused their partner's vanishing act.

"Instead of owning it, they brush it off like it's no big deal and then make an excuse like 'It seemed like you were super busy, so I didn't want to bother you.' What makes it different from simple ghosting is the psychological twist. Ghosting is avoidance. Ghostlighting adds distortion by manipulating the facts so you doubt your own reality." Amy Chan, a dating expert, explains to USA Today.

Blaine Anderson, a dating coach for men, reveals how to evaluate potential partners by their actions more than their words. He recommends asking simple questions like “Do they show up?”, “Do they communicate consistently?” and others. He says, "Things happen. Maybe something came up in their personal life. Maybe they weren't ready to date. But, if they don't mention or apologise for the fact that they previously disappeared, I would call them out on it, because do you really want to be with someone who could do that again for no reason?"

Meanwhile, Amy advises, “If you're on the receiving end of ghostlighting, do not smooth it over," adding, "If someone resurfaces after disappearing, name it calmly. 'When you stopped responding, I took that as a lack of interest and a lack of communication.' Then pause and see how they handle it. Do they acknowledge it and take responsibility? Or do they deflect and minimise?"

Experts recommend recognising the early signs of ghostlighting rather than brushing them aside at the start of a relationship. Such behaviour should never be ignored during dating. Instead, take time to assess the situation carefully before blaming yourself.

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