Kaala Chashma Totally Wasted And So Is Katrina

Published: September 10, 2016 14:51 IST
Here's a question that has baffled me: a few years ago, I excitedly watched a seriously amazing, heavily-advertised dance track during a blockbuster movie's aggressive promos, and to my horror, found it missing from the main film. Imagine my haalat after waiting and waiting for the catchy number to pop up during the narrative, and discovering it was lapata! There was no trace of the song I had been obsessing over and looking forward to tapping my feet to. It was such a massive let down, really! Half the reason for buying that ticket was to see the lead pair scorch the screen - even if it was during an absurd, no-connection-to-the-story dream sequence. We love absurdities. And feel cheated if we are robbed of such diversions.

So it was with Baar Baar Dekho. I abandoned my half-eaten packet of soggy, over-priced popcorn and was about to rush out of the theatre when the two-and-a-half hour film finally ended. But I was told to hang on...the Kaala Chashma track was about to come on as the credit titles rolled. But why then? Why not mid-way? Who has started this pricy and wasteful tradition? Own up! Most of the people had left and the ushers weren't dancing in the aisles while hoovering the carpets.  

I understand from verrrry reliable sources (unit hands!), that Ms. Kaif was on a strict diet of celery (could be Kiwi) juice and nothing but juice for ten long days before the chart busting Kaala Chashma song was picturised. It showed. Her hot bod has never looked this amazing, and the choreographer, God bless his soul, put her very agile, perfectly-toned muscles to optimum use. In the abs ka contest, it was a close call between the lead pair's respective six-pack guts. My vote goes to Katrina's - those abs sure talked the walk.

For a change, I stayed back till the very last shot (thank God I had taken a 20-minute snooze in between) of this two-and-a-half-hour space odyssey, featuring good-looking space cadets trying hard to fit into a bizarre script. The idea behind the brave enterprise must have been to raise the baar by creating a new twist to an old, old love story.

The premise, in itself, was not bad - do childhood friends make good marriage partners? Can a buddy become a lover? Is it just a case of two cute kids from the same neighbourhood deciding "What the hell - let's just get on with it and tie the knot"? There is a great deal of bro-bonding, for sure. But where is the romance, the frisson, the fatal attraction? Do they have the hots for each other at all? If Siddharth Malhotra (ummm...math professor? I don't think so!) looks bewildered throughout this strange time-travel saga, it is understandable - the audience is even more so. Poor chap spends most of his time during the idyllic honeymoon (in a picture-perfect Phuket resort) phoning mummy and wondering what the hell to do...imagine! With a seductive, skimpily-clad bride (Katrina) dozing off on a couch, waiting for her stud of a brand new husband to do the man thing. I guess he does get around to that eventually, considering two kids follow phataphat.

Enough already.

Contrived, tedious and almost comical in its babyish "message" (in case you are wondering what that is, don't bother...it's on every second Archie card).

My message is simple : Why waste a fantastic dance track like Kaala Chashma on a credit roll? The promise of the song led one to believe the rest of the movie would be equally hot. Unfortunately, it was as thanda as a kulfi.

Next time, fit the story around the thumping song. And it might work better.

And yes, invest in better make-up and hair artists.

(Shobhaa De is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator, who is considered an authority on popular culture.)

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. The facts and opinions appearing in the article do not reflect the views of NDTV and NDTV does not assume any responsibility or liability for the same.

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