Marriages - Made In Heaven, Managed On Earth

Late Marriage Trends

With the steady increase in divorce cases, men and women are both wary of marrying early lest they make a wrong decision and end up in the family court. Many seek to test the relationship over time, and even enter into pre-marital counseling to assess its sustainability before entering into wedlock. Moreover, since career-building takes up a lot of time and energy, most people are keen to be relatively well settled career-wise before taking on the added responsibility of a committed relationship and family. This results in marriage being easily postponed to the early 30s or even later. However, this does not prevent them from testing the waters and seeing how things go without absolute commitment.

Consensual physical intimacy of varying degrees also seems to be part of the deal as hormones are peaking in both. Popular American sitcoms like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, How I Met Your Mother, and Sex And The City that portray this lifestyle also seem to have a mass appeal. Therefore a late marriage, with both accepting that neither of them might be a virgin and might also have had more than one earlier relationship, seems to be the emerging trend. Movie stars and celebrities who have made the same choice, also inadvertently set the trend for those who seek external validation for their choices.

No Guarantees

There are couples who despite a 'full and colorful' past, have made a smooth transition into marital life leaving their past behind. But there are also others, whose past has cast a shadow and has contaminated their marriage, sometimes in the form of comparison of their present partner with their past lovers, or even by the re-entry of an ex-flame in their life.

While there is no guarantee of a perfect outcome in either early or late marriages, there is wisdom in marrying only when both are equipped with conflict resolution skills and when both appreciate that relationships need to be negotiated in a mutually respectful way. It is said that 'marriages are made in heaven'. But what about managing them? Marriages may be made in heaven, but they are 'managed' on earth. And therefore, just as it is imperative that you have a post-graduate management degree to manage an organization, it is equally important to have a mature mindset and relationship management skills in order to make marriages last.

20-year-old Tanisha fell in love with 23-year-old Jaideep. They had a whirlwind romance and decided to tie the knot. For her, the focus was to have the 'perfect fairytale wedding', and for him it was to cross the milestone of marriage, and provide a grandchild for his parents. Neither thought about discussing their values, priorities, lifestyles, and relationship ideas with each other. Once the fairytale wedding was over, all that was undiscussed came up as 'issues'. Their individual expectations from marriage were not only very different, but they did not have the tools or the skills to negotiate their differences in a win-win way. Differences escalated into ugly conflicts, with the families commenting that they 'fight like kids'. For heaven's sake, they were 'kids'.

No Utopia

Many a marriage is rife with conflict because the man and woman are 'Mama's little boys' and 'Daddy's little girls', who have got together to play 'house-house'. Soon they realize that they lack the emotional maturity to nurture and sustain relationships, with both running to their respective parents boohooing and complaining about how their partner is being mean to them. Such 'biological adults' but 'emotional kids' therefore need to grow up and learn to establish 'adult-adult' relationships.

A marriage can be termed as immature if you are marrying with a Mills & Boon idea of endless romance, and if you live in a Utopian world believing that marriage is the panacea to all your problems in your parental home or otherwise. This disease of living in a make-believe world with unrealistic expectations from marriage can afflict people of any age.

Nurturance and Negotiation

Therefore, for marriages to last, both need to be equipped with life-coping skills and know the art of constructive communication and problem-solving. They also need to find personal gratification in vitally fulfilling endeavours other than the relationship, so that both can bring value and joy to the relationship. This will help to strike the right balance between a shared and mutually nurtured space, along with individual space for both to pursue their personal growth. It is such maturely managed relationships that last, and it is such a marriage in which you can truly be declared man and wife.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.