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This Article is From Dec 14, 2017

Can Either Love Or Arranged Marriage Guarantee Success?

There are no formulas, but both partners have to be keen on constantly working on the relationship.

Can Either Love Or Arranged Marriage Guarantee Success?
Marriage is a valued institution, and more so in India.

A wedding is an event for a day, but a marriage is a project for a lifetime; so exciting as the event is, one needs to focus on the project more. And so, just as when we invest in any project we evaluate the possibility of success or failure, so too, one must look objectively at the crucial life decision two individuals make, committing to sharing a life, till 'death do them apart'.

Marriage is still a valued institution, and more so in India, where parents continue to be concerned and actively involved in ensuring that their son/daughter gets 'settled' with an 'appropriate life partner'. Towards this, the question raised in almost all families is, "Do you want to go in for an arranged marriage or do you have someone in mind?"

Many who want a marital life would like to believe that their Mr/Ms Right will waltz into their lives and 'love will happen', ensuring a lifetime of romance and loving companionship. While others believe that the 'perfect match' will be chosen through a rigorous selection process that involves families on both sides, ensuring cultural compatibility and marital bliss.

But is it, in fact, possible to ensure a loving companionship based solely on the route you choose? Can either love or arranged marriage guarantee marital bliss? The answer is No.

Soulmates can become strangers, and strangers can become soulmates. Whether in a love marriage or arranged, it is the willingness and ability of both to consciously choose to love and respect the other on a daily basis that ensures marital bliss.

The reasons given for both routes that I have gathered in my interviews with hundreds of clients at a pre-marital stage are listed below -

Love Marriage

- We know each other's strengths and limitations, have accepted them, and there are no surprises that might make us uncomfortable in the future.

- We have great conversational and physical chemistry already, so there is a guarantee that the relationship will be fun.

- We feel like autonomous adults and partners by choice, ready to step out from under our family umbrella and co-create an independent family unit of our own.

- We love each other and have chosen to be together, therefore if there are glitches we will sort them out together and if we start drifting away in the humdrum of life, we will find our way back to each other.

- While the above reasons sound convincing enough to go for a love marriage, the truth may be starkly different.

- Both may have put their best foot forward and not really shown each other their worst sides, and there could be rude shocks awaiting you when you start living together.

- Both may not have discussed serious life issues that could impact their future together, and may have restricted their conversations to sweet nothings, movie and restaurant dates, and planning the event of the wedding, and therefore the communication might break down or become toxic after marriage when real issues require discussion.

- Both may not have developed healthy conflict-resolution methods through the heady rush of romance, and after marriage, the differences of opinions may become conflicts eroding emotional intimacy and, consequently, physical intimacy.

- Both may delude themselves into believing that just because they are biological adults they are also psychologically mature adults, and therefore 'Mama's boys and Daddy's girls' may seek a parent in their partner, thus contaminating what should have been a relationship between two adults.

- Both may end up feeling extremely disillusioned, and eventually have a painful break-up, unable to trust themselves and their own choices, and unable to trust in love.

- Both may feel embarrassed discussing things with their families if things don't work out because of previous tall claims of having found the love of their lives.

Arranged Marriage

74% of Indians still prefer an arranged marriage according to an NDTV survey. Which is why matchmakers, marriage bureaus and portals are doing such good business. In my interviews, the reasons are as follows -

- It will save time and heartache knowing that the match is well-researched and shortlisted to suit my personality, my background, my status and my family.

- It will ensure a good family life and ongoing social support because we as a unit will be accepted by the immediate and extended family.

- It will ensure that I get the family's support if we face major challenges going forward, as they have been involved from the beginning and it has been a collective decision.

- It will ensure fewer daily problems, as hard questions have already been asked and answered without the cloud of romance.

- It will be interesting and exciting to discover each other more every day, with the security of commitment, and we can freely build the love and romance together in this security.

In this case, the assumption that all would be well with family support and involvement could be a premature one.

- The families may contaminate the autonomy of the couple with too much involvement, and family egos may be bruised over non-issues, creating a strain between the couple who feel stretched between their loyalties to their family versus their spouse.

- The families may be partisan in their views when the couple faces challenges, thus making matters worse between them.

- There may be areas of each other's personality that may have been lied about, and this may create huge disturbances post marriage, once those hidden areas are revealed.

- There may be lack of physical chemistry which may not have been evident because of the lack of a prolonged dating period, and because too much focus was placed on ticking the compatibility boxes in other practical areas.

- There may have been family pressure felt by the couple to take the arranged marriage route, thus leaving their dreams of love and romance with their 'soulmate' unfulfilled. This may lead to a silent rebellion of the psychological child in them, waiting for the first opportunity to find fault in the partner and blame the parents, thus possibly throwing away a great opportunity to have a real, solid, meaningful and deeply loving adult relationship and a fulfilling marital life.

Marriage is tough, and when the initial euphoria of the wedding and honeymoon dissipates, the couple is left facing challenges on a daily basis. This is what really tests the character and maturity of both.

When both are willing to stretch their comfort zones to reach a win-win scenario, when the communication space is a respectful and healthy one, when both are willing to remain vulnerable and grow together, and, above all, when both 'stop seeing love only as a feeling, but a decision you make on a daily basis, only then can marriages -- whether love or arranged -- be mutually fulfilling and gratifying for both.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.

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