5 Warning Signs That He's Not "The One"

The 'one'! A concept so furiously peddled in all popular media that we're led to believe that there actually exists the ideal person who will so effortlessly fit our agenda & standards. So many of us have our grand plans for an 'up in the clouds type romance' and many of us will accept anything to see those dreams reach a point of hormone induced & socially endorsed fruition. As ethereal & idealistic as the idea of love sounds, there can never truly be a 'perfect love story'. Every relationship feels tested, strained & challenged either by adverse circumstances or by the wildly different people investing in it. Relationships are undoubtedly hard work.

You can't always be expected to 'deep breathe' & 'positive think' your way through the obnoxiousness & dourness that a partner may choose to bring to the table. The road to happiness has a number of potholes along the way - but fortunately you can learn to circumvent these with expertise.

Here are a few pointers that'll help you read between the lines and decipher that maybe he/she is not the one for you. 

1) You're constantly trying to "fix" them 

When one partner in a relationship constantly finds flaws with his/her partner with zero appreciation for that partner's unique perspective, needs or tastes, it can get to be quite fatiguing and frustrating for the partner at the receiving end. A partner being on a relentless mission to correct his/her partner can begin to bruise the self-respect of the partner who's always being 'corrected'.

'Good enough' has no universally agreed upon description which is why the 'fixing process' can sometimes take on a hostile & arduous tone. This often leads to splintered communication and even an annulment of the relationship. Negotiating effectively to find a win-win solution may be the key to a happy relationship, but constantly trying to get a person to 'measure up' or 'fall in line' can severely and, sometimes, irreparably damage the sense of respect and trust in a relationship.

It's important to respect the life journey of one's partner and be reasonably accommodative of them as it takes time for partners to learn about and discover many facets of each other. It's impractical and downright demeaning to expect a partner to only exist to be 'tinkered with' & 'made right'. 

2) He/She sees you as a "package", not a person

People present us with opportunities for enjoyment, upgradation, approval and security. While these are important, some people see a relationship as just that - a stepping stone to the fulfilment of highly personally driven agendas. Does your partner see you in this manner? Such a superficial agenda can chip away at a relationship's foundation as all relationships are essentially a collaborative enterprise and not just a 'personal strikethrough list'. Reciprocity and nurturance power even the best of friendships.

To see a partner as a 'package' may make one partner strategically weave through the fleeting interludes of lovey-dovey gestures, but such relationships frequently tread on thin ice. Such relationships work like the market economy, purely on the basis of demand and supply. The day the supply chain is cut, the market becomes unstable and in some cases - volatile. This could be hurtful. In the very same manner, when a person comes to represent a string of lifestyle perks and little else, emotions like love, trust, friendship and respect are largely superficially manufactured to placate the partner who's seen as the 'supplier'.

People reveal themselves in moments of duress and desperation. Life is made up of many such undesirable moments that require patience and understanding. It inevitably becomes difficult to handle these vagaries if a relationship is propped purely on 'niceties' and 'supply chain logistics'. The 'trophy wife' and 'sugar daddy' fall within this category and such partners usually have a very transactional and calculated way of approaching the relationship.

3) You're constantly blamed for everything

Human beings are creatures of pattern and habit. We see things as we want and often find ourselves in loops where the same problems seem to greet us over and over again. While in moments of extreme stress, it may sometimes feel relieving & convenient to blame someone else for such problems, this can often lead to resentment building up in a relationship. We are a temperamental and flawed species who often fail to assume the point of view of other people. We think the world of our own efforts while often ignoring what someone else may be going through in their own little universe. We can also sometimes be lazy to solve problems or too arrogant to believe that we may have contributed to the problem too. This is the point at which one partner becomes the scapegoat for another partner's frustrations.

Allegations of 'you haven't done enough' or 'how can you be this way' or worse still 'how can you not know what is wrong' surface as one person feeling like he or she is on the chopping block. When things aren't working out in your life, instead of pointing fingers, it makes sense to seek the help of a mediator or respectfully enlist your partner's support to deal with a problem. This works better than expecting your agendas to be the only agendas that should be addressed. Problem solving takes time and patience. To expect one partner to unflinchingly sit through a hailstorm of insults and aspersions while he or she is pushed and shoved into the abyss is unreasonable and insensitive. When one partner conveniently kicks around the assumption that 'you're the reason all this is happening', they're usually bad news!

4) Your partner uses the gender card as/when it's convenient

If your partner's idea of a balanced relationship involves the fulfilment of 'traditional' gender roles of 'the provider man' & 'the nurturer woman' then your partner is likely to have slept through the better part of the last few decades. People like to use the gender card to suit their agendas. Financially strong and emotionally independent women often expect their male counterparts to foot all bills (because it's what men are "supposed" to do). Men on the other hand expect their wives to be breadwinners and full time caretakers of the family and children without any downtime. Both these scenarios are a result of pure hypocrisy. 

To hide behind outdated cultural ideas of what 'a man must handle' or 'what a woman must be like' is often used to wall oneself into the archaic sandbox of participation mandates in a relationship. A relationship requires a lot of chit chat about the big stuff. There is no ideal formula for this. A partner who refuses to sit down to understand how these roles are changing in a dynamic world, is likely to add a lot of pain to your life and plans for couple hood.

5) He/She hates the people you love

If your partner's distaste for your family and friends begins to grow and fester, it could be a disheartening and isolating experience for you. You are likely to eventually tire of making a pitch to his or her sensibilities about how important certain people are to you and this will lead to bitterness. Is it even practically possible to have 'perfect friends' or a 'perfect family'? A relationship is a sharing of worlds and while it is not practically possible to equally love each and every person in those shared worlds, it isn't unreasonable to expect some common ground in what may very well be a 'long time spent' sharing a life together in the relationship.

Sometimes a partner's insecurities about people, possessiveness about you and downright distrust may work to drive a wedge between you and your people. This can come back to haunt you should you sever those relationships to play along with your partner. To see the support system that you so lovingly invested in go missing when you need them, can be painful. 

Relationships can be tricky and problems can be sticky. Fortunately, who we choose to give our heart and time to is still a decision that rests with us.

Author Aman R. Bhonsle is a qualified Psychosocial Analyst, Relationship Counsellor and Youth Mentor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with international organisations and mentoring the youth for the last eight years