Breaking Up Is Hard: Psychologist Explains How To Make Tough Relationship Decisions

When partners choose to end their relationship, it is not a sudden or impulsive reaction; instead, it is typically made through a long period of emotional thoughtfulness from both individuals (potentially over months and/or years). In addition, many times during this extended thoughtfulness about ending a relationship, there have been numerous unresolved issues; usually partners have an overall sense that they are experiencing an ongoing issue regarding something fundamentally wrong. So, while breaking up may be difficult - whether you are at the initial stages of a romantic relationship or closer to an arranged marriage setup - it is vital that you know how to take tough romantic decisions now rather than regretting things later.

When Love Alone Isn't Enough

The significance of emotional attachment in a relationship is crucial. However, it does not constitute the only component necessary for sustaining long-term emotional health. Over time, people have accepted that love cannot make up for the absence of trust, respect, emotional safety, and/or a shared road map. Beyond affection, relationships require mutual understanding, accountability, and co-development.

As a relationship progresses, specific behaviours that are bound to have a big negative fallout later can show up, including avoidance, secretive behaviours, repeated dishonesty, emotional invalidation, and lack of empathy. The more you interact, these will become increasingly evident along with the green flags which provide reasons to stay in a relationship. Not addressing these red flag behaviours may result in continued long-term emotional suffering.

Social Pressure Can Cloud Personal Decisions

Those who have inexperienced dating relationships or are inexperienced couples tend to let their relationship choices be influenced by others in the community and/or what they believe society expects from them. This can cause them to put themselves under additional stress by letting themselves worry about things like "What are other people going to think?" or "Is this a bad time for us to break up?" and thus they may end up remaining in a relationship that is no longer healthy for them emotionally,

By staying in a relationship just because of what others expect of them, a person may find themselves continually stressed out, their emotional health deteriorating, and/or developing feeling of resentment toward their partner. Healthy relationships are not based on other people's opinions; they are built through mutual trust and appreciation and through partnerships.

Walking Away Can Be a Sign of Emotional Strength

Many people believe that breaking up means the person "isn't mature" or "failed" in their relationship. It's more likely you were able to recognize the need to end it due to self-awareness, emotional maturity, and the ability to create healthy boundaries.

Some warning signs to look for are:

• Controlling/manipulative behaviour that doesn't stop
• Disrespect/dismissing your feelings
• Trust issues
• Not taking responsibility
• Disrespecting your emotional/personal boundaries

Most of the time, these patterns do not fix themselves and if not taken care of, will only get worse in the future.

Coping With the Emotional Aftermath

When a relationship ends, it's common to feel grief, guilt, confusion, and doubt about oneself. All these feelings are valid and normal. In order to heal oneself from the pain of an ending relationship, it is important to give oneself enough time and space to process the emotions involved (rather than ignore those emotions). An option for individuals dealing with these feelings is to seek professional guidance by receiving counseling or therapy to gain clarity, develop a deeper understanding of personal emotion patterns, and rebuild one's self-esteem during this time.

As a way of gaining insight, the following question may be useful: "Am I experiencing greater emotional peace by remaining in this relationship, or am I compromising that emotional peace?

Moving Forward With Clarity

Short-term pain from the decision to leave is quite common; however, in the long-term, many people find protection for themselves mentally and emotionally from this decision. Many people do not view their decision to leave as a failure but instead, have made a conscious decision to leave their past relationships for healthier options.

A Healthy Decision, Not a Shameful One

Deciding to prioritize emotional well-being rather than staying with a partner who is unsupportive or abusive is protecting your self-interests. Mental health and maintenance of a healthy lifestyle have a strong correlation with interpersonal relationships. So, being able to identify when a relationship has run its course demonstrates courage and strength instead of weakness. Frequently, the most courageous choices are made in the process of determining how to move on and/or leave a relationship behind.

(By Dr Sreystha Beppari, Psychologist, Apollo Clinic)

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