Munni Badnaam Hui, Chandigarh? Mini-Skirts, Discos To Blame

Published: April 20, 2016 18:38 IST
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Goodbye guns and roses, Chandigarh is changing...

I am visualising a Chandigarh cop walking around with a tape measure in his pocket, his eyes scanning the mall for mini-skirts. Nice job, I'd say. Malls by day, and discos by night. First thing in the morning, he'll be filing his report. What about that offender - yes, yes, yes, the same one. Her skirt was really, really short. Budtameez! Chudail.

Good Punjabi kudis have become gul or what? First, auntyji ka lamba kurta became a shortened kurti. Then the chunni became a scarf. Finally, it was thrown to the winds. Necklines and hemlines were in a race to meet mid-point. There was just no limit to how besharam the girls in town had become. The cop wondered what happened to their mummyjis and papajis? Why couldn't they stop these daring girls before they brought further shame to the family...why just the family? Shame to the neighbourhood...shame to the community...shame to the city...shame to India. The fair and good name of Chandigarh had been sullied for too long. These Munnis had become so badnaam, something had to be done. Or else, all sense of decency would disappear in public spaces.

The police patted his sturdy, reliable danda (shushhhh - not that one), and decided he would use it later, when he came across "scurrilous characters" in "places of public amusement", especially those having a good time. Drinking. Smoking. Dancing. Doing any of the bad-bad things his bosses had told him to look out for. Henceforth, nobody in Chandigarh would be allowed to enjoy themselves. Bas. Bahut ho gaya. Hadd ho gayee.

The cop was all for the new policy. The Babus were absolutely right when they formulated it. Maro, maro...these youngsters were creating too much trouble. This level of badmaashi was intolerable. They were definitely having sex...oh, yes, they were! One look at them dancing close-close in those discos, and it was obvious they had sex on their minds. Sex. Nothing else. First dance karo, phir sex karo. That was the plan.

It was the duty of the State to stop them. Mini-skirts were the main culprits. How could anybody blame those poor boys for thinking gandi, gandi baatein when the girls were showing everything...thighs-wighs...arrey...sab kuch! After all that, some of these girls had the audacity to come and file complaints at the chowki...say they had been molested...even raped. Their parents should have told them - first cover up, then talk.

Our society is going to the dogs because of mini-skirts and vulgar dancing. This is not a good thing. Too much freedom. That's the problem. I have spent the whole day tearing down posters with dirty pictures of women...you know...nanga-panga pictures. Some I took home, also. For further studies and scrutiny. Just like I keep a file of hard-core pornographic films we confiscate. I watch them for my own professional knowledge. As policewallas and Babus, it is important to thoroughly study the banned items. Chandigarh has become a den of sin, because the women of this great city have lost their modesty. And forgotten their culture. Because of their provocative conduct, our boys were also getting spoilt. Henceforth, they will have to leave their guns at home. Poor chaps. That's not fair!

Remember, what a time it used to be, when our bachchas would shoot a few rounds in the air to celebrate Baisakhi? That was harmless fun. Now, those becharas will have to go home by midnight...that too, without enjoying their well-earned Patiala pegs. It's a big price to pay for the misconduct of those chhotey kapdey waley kudis. I say - just arrest them on sight! No mercy! But my bosses are saying it will make Chandigarh look really bad...and backward.

Tomorrow, I am going to find out the exact length of the banned mini-skirt myself. I will measure it personally. I think the skirt length must be a minimum of 36 inches from the waist to be declared safe. Better still, why not ban skirts altogether?

Someone cheekily asked me, is it okay for Baba Ramdev to be topless? What an idiotic question! He is Baba Ramdev! These new rules only apply to girls in revealing mini-skirts. Not Babas in revealing loincloths. Samajh gaye, na?

(Shobhaa De is an established writer, columnist, opinion shaper and social commentator, who is considered an authority on popular culture.)

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. The facts and opinions appearing in the article do not reflect the views of NDTV and NDTV does not assume any responsibility or liability for the same.

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