How To Respect Differing Communication Style In Relationships

We've heard a lot about healthy and unhealthy communication, as well as constructive and destructive communication. We also know that communication can either facilitate solutions, or it could multiply problems. However, we've never really heard that two people can have very different or even opposing communication 'styles', and yet both can co-exist peacefully.

How one shares and receives communication may be totally different, but if two people in conversation can talk and listen respectfully, patiently and empathically, with both being open to views of the other, and if both are kind, considerate and flexible, then the communication space remains a cordial, fulfilling and solution-oriented one.

Communication is usually used to convey and receive information. But when the information is about emotions, strongly held thoughts, views, opinions or beliefs, then the communication space gets tested. At such times, if both can accept and respect the different 'styles' of communication, and if both do not view one style as better than the other, or one as 'right' and the other as 'wrong', then both will feel heard and understood, and the communication will remain peaceful, positive and productive.

There are a number of factors that influence our communication style. Culture, upbringing, education, past relationship history, the basic personality of the individual, gender, age etc., all result in how one communicates.

If we take the effort to recognise and understand each other's communication style, and if we stretch and sensitise ourselves to each other, then relationships can be so much better. Of course it goes without saying, that this stretching does not mean accommodating toxic communication like yelling, sarcasm, taunts, put-downs, threats, or any form of manipulative or intimidating style. It only means sensitising to the preferred conversational style in everyday discourse, where we share and receive information.

Differing Communication Styles

Let's look at the various differences in communication styles

Detailing vs. Curtailing

Detailing - This is when one communicates in great details, describing things elaborately and giving too much information and long explanations, sometimes going beyond what is really necessary.

Curtailing - This is when one communicates minimally, in barely a sentence or two, often being monosyllabic, sparing the listener any details or explanations, sharing just a little bit more than absolutely necessary.

Mutual Effort

The Detailer, if not made privy to the thoughts and feelings of the Curtailer, could feel cut out and frustrated because of a lack of information.

On the other hand, the Curtailer, if given too many unnecessary details, may feel overwhelmed with information overload, and might get distracted and feel annoyed.

The Detailer should therefore take the effort to be more concrete about their thoughts, curb the temptation to over explain, and consciously exercise verbal economy while talking to the Curtailer, so that all that is shared is not lost in translation. This can be done by writing down one's thoughts, editing out the extras, and drawing out the key points to be made. The Curtailer on the other hand, should make the effort to more freely share one's thoughts and feelings, and not hold back one's spontaneous expressions, in order to create more connectedness and conversational intimacy. When the Detailer and the Curtailer, both make efforts to walk half way, the communication will vastly improve.

Decisive vs. Collaborative

Decisive - This is when one is largely unilateral in decision-making and merely informs the other decisively and assertively of the decision. The Decisive communicator believes that if one is thinking of the best interest of the team, then there is no need to take them on board or consult them. He views listening, feedback and consultations as a waste of time.

Collaborative - This is when one brings people together for a decision-making process, taking on board varied opinions, having discussions, and generally engages in a consultative and collaborative process, sharing views in a harmonious way.

Mutual Effort

The Collaborator may feel disregarded by assertive and Decisive mates, and therefore could proactively ask for more engagement in discussions, where everyone listens respectfully and patiently to views other than one's own view, to reach win-win scenarios.

The Decisive one should temper his desire to be the powerful and dominant one who wants to either lead a pack, or walk alone. He should learn to share the power in decision-making. He should refrain from coming across as aggressive, pushy, insistent or hostile in the process of communication for decision-making. Instead he should build his emotional muscle of patient, respectful and empathic listening. Learning to delay gratification of expressing his view on any matter, and learning to communicate it more gently, will go a long way in bridging the gap between the Decisive and the Collaborative communicator.

Specific vs. Vague

Specific - This is when one does not hold back at all while expressing their feelings, desires, needs etc., thus leaving very little or no room for misunderstanding their statements. The unambiguous, clear and direct communication puts everything out on the table, and therefore negotiating solutions becomes easy.

Vague - This is when one communicates in a roundabout manner, withholding clear and genuine expression of one's needs, desires and feelings. Therefore the real message is often missed because of the indirect expression. Those who communicate indirectly and ambiguously risk being misunderstood.

Mutual Effort

The downside of the Specific communicator is that they may at times not mince their words at all, thus risking offending or hurting the other. This could then result in a breakdown of communication. They might pride themselves in 'saying it as it is', not realising that their honesty and plain speaking may not have the desired result. The Specific n direct communicator must make sure to detoxify the expression, and mindfully remain constructive and sensitive to the other. One must remember that honesty is not a license to hurt. It is advisable to choose one's words carefully, and ensure that you do not use words that have the potential to wound the other.

The Vague communicator may hesitate to say 'No' in their desire to be the 'nice guy' or 'good girl', and may also be vary of perceived confrontation. This results in a lot of misunderstandings in the long run, because even if they disagree, they are perceived as agreeing since the disagreements remain unexpressed or only indirectly and unclearly expressed.

The Vague communicator needs to consciously step out of one's comfort zones and risk putting out one's thoughts and feelings. Understanding that beating around the bush is not the best way to have close relationships, and that it can be quite annoying for those who seek to really know and understand you. Know that you can be honest without being harsh, and that you can freely speak your mind and have meaningful relationships.

Immediate vs. Deferred

Immediate - This is when one wants instant engagement and resolution during an argument or difficult conversation. He wants to 'get it done with', and any delay causes him anxiety, unease and discomfort, and therefore he puts immense pressure on the other to talk things out 'now', without considering whether the other is comfortable continuing the debate in the 'now' or not. His only agenda is to relieve the pressure he is experiencing, and seeks 'instant gratification' from the other.

Deferred - This is when one wants 'time out' to gather his thoughts, think things through, and needs some cooling off period when difficult discussions get heated or confrontational. He prefers to stop and return to the conversation in a calmer state, and only after some reflection. He doesn't do well under pressure to communicate in the 'now', and may feel anxious and distressed if forced.

Mutual Effort

The Immediate communicator needs to understand the need to breathe easy, step back and take 'time out', and not push for an instant culmination of the difficult discussion. He should respect the need in the other to process their emotions. He could write out his points as notes for himself, in order to relieve himself, without subjecting others to his thoughts in the 'now'.

The one who Defers the communication to when he has processed his emotions, adequately reflected and formulated his thoughts, and feels more in control, should ensure that he does not defer the communication indefinitely. Knowing that delaying it indefinitely will build too much pressure in the other, he should give a specific time where he gets his space to process, and also commits to take the discussion further within a timeframe. A mutually and relatively acceptable timeframe for the discussion ensures that both are appropriately engaged in a healthy discussion.

To conclude, the goal is to respect the differing and preferred communication styles, and to be willing to stretch to some degree for each other. It goes without saying that one must also ensure that the communication space always remains mutually respectful and constructive, and where both feel safe to share and listen, trusting that neither will be wounded or hurt in this space.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.