Arranged Marriages Often Pop A Big Question - When To Have Sex?

Sexual intimacy, whether in an arranged marriage or in a love marriage scenario, should ideally happen when both partners feel ready. There are times when one feels forced or feels deprived sexually, and that sets the stage for difficulties in the relationship going forward.

Sex In Arranged Marriages

There are some couples who would rather get to know each other and 'give it time', while others are in a rush and want to 'go for it'.

Those who 'give it time' may choose not to engage pre-maritally beyond just holding hands, kissing and mildly 'making out'. They engage in long chats with each other, meet often, and build a slow and steady emotional intimacy, as they are often looking for love before sex despite being in the arranged setup. Such couples want to 'make love' and not 'have sex'.

There are couples who are keen on exploring each other, and focus a lot on the 'emotional bonding' and therefore don't have sex even on the wedding night. Of course it goes without saying that the Big Fat Indian Wedding can be quite physically and emotionally exhausting for both bride and groom. With so many ceremonies, dancing and drinking and the stress of the event going through as per plan, the couple may prefer to just cuddle and sleep on the wedding night after all the celebrations are over. Sex maybe furthest from their mind when they are so exhausted.

There are couples who start getting cosy on the honeymoon. Then there are others who have not had a long courtship period and so prefer to use the honeymoon only to get to know each other, and would rather allow a natural progression from emotional intimacy to physical intimacy with time. They prefer to be a doting married couple, are keen to feel the love and romance blossom slowly and do not force themselves or their partner to expedite sex.

During or after the honeymoon, as both relax in each other's company, they may start becoming playful and then naughty. At such times there could be spontaneous playful or intimate touching while sitting or lying down close to each other which your partner might equally spontaneously respond to, leading to foreplay, the stoking of passion and the first sexual encounter between them.

This could happen on any day or night which is not pre-decided, when both just feel so much in sync that it naturally culminates in 'making love'.

Those who 'go for it' do not wait for any emotional intimacy, and would rather 'have sex' than 'make love'. They may even mutually decide to pre-maritally engage in sex, and look for every opportunity to jump into bed and get between the sheets with their partner. The wedding night or the honeymoon is merely viewed as legal permission and blessings from the family to do what they are anyway doing. Such rushed sexual encounters can also be forced by one without assessing the comfort and readiness of the other. Forced or pressured sex can scar the relationship for the future, and the forced partner may not be able to trust that one's needs and comfort will be respected by the partner.

Remember that love, respect, comfort, passion and mutual consent in sex are imperative for a satisfying marital relationship.

Sex In Love Marriages

More often than not in love marriages, if there is a prolonged dating period, sex happens frequently. However, there are some exceptions, where the couple do not go beyond 'making out', and they choose to wait till the marriage to 'go all the way'.

Pre-marital sex, though exciting during numerous secret rendezvous, is often the cause of guilt and anxiety, as there might be doubts about whether the relationship will culminate in marriage or not. There are also fears of pregnancy, and there are couples who have got pregnant and aborted the child leaving deep emotional and psychological scars on both, thus contaminating what could have been a relaxed and love-filled relationship.

Sex in love marriages is also fraught with too many expectations of great sex with a certain frequency, leading to disappointment and frustration when the realities and challenges of life demand your attention.

Many a love marriage has had a rocky start because the drunk groom has 'spoiled the wedding night' for the bride by passing out on the flower-bedecked hotel bed. Her fantasy wedding includes a fantasy wedding night, and the rude shock of reality not matching fantasy has created havoc in many love marriages.

Illness on the honeymoon leading to less or no sex, varying sexual appetites, and comparisons between the pre-marital and post-marital sexual encounters in frequency and quality, all have taken a toll on love marriages because of the high expectations from one's 'lover'.

The fact is that whether it is a love or arranged marriage scenarios, physical intimacy must be a mutual choice. This choice is based on various factors like family background, tradition and values, along with initial eagerness, shyness, hesitation or fear surrounding sex.

Therefore, when, where, how and what kickstarts physical intimacy varies from couple to couple, but what's more important is whether the choice is mutual, and whether it is equally fulfilling for both.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.