Moving in together is an exciting, frightening, full-of-possibilities juncture in a relationship. For most of us, it's a decision we arrive at while hurtling towards the realisation that our current partner might, quite possibly, be The One we've been waiting for. Even if you're doing it for purely practical reasons, it's an important moment in the relationship - you're never going to be able to un-know the things you will find out about your partner once you start living with them. While the decision to live together is fraught with delicate discoveries and with the potential to go horribly wrong, honest conversations will go a long way in navigating some of the blindspots you encounter on the way. Here are five questions you absolutely must discuss with your partner before you move in with them.
Why are you doing it?
Nothing is more painful than the realisation that what was a romantic milestone for one person was simply a logistical convenience for the other. No matter who floats the 'let's move in together' conversation, make sure you both are in the same place in the relationship. Sharing a home, and a room, with someone who is more into you than you are into them, or even the other way round, is a recipe for disaster. Not to mention, they'll soon begin to grate on your nerves, or you on theirs. While we normally think of moving in with a partner as some sort of romantic commitment, there's nothing wrong with doing it for practical reasons either - exorbitant rents in big cities and conflicting busy schedules are both valid and good reasons to move in together, even if you're not yet discussing long-term plans or a future together. Just make sure you are on the same page about where you stand on the relationship, going into the arrangement.
What happens in the event of a breakup?
No one wants to think of a breakup while taking the relationship to the next level (presumably), but an exit plan is almost as important as figuring out the details of the big move-in. Is your name on the lease? Who owns the furniture and other basic amenities? If you're moving into a fully set-up house, it's easy to get out and start afresh, but if you're buying things together, things can get messy when it's time to part ways. Even if you don't have a detailed exit strategy, you need to at least know who will move out in the event of a break-up so there are no ugly screaming matches if the time comes. If you're the one who will be moving out, make sure you save up for about three to four months of your share of the rent in advance, to be able to get out immediately if you need to.
What next?
If you're moving in together for romantic reasons, you also need to discuss what happens next - is this it, or is marriage on the cards? Where does each partner stand on the subject of kids? Remember that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Phoebe finds out, while moving in with Mike, that he never wanted to get married while she wanted more? You don't want to be caught in that situation. Now is the best time to have some frank, heart-to-heart conversations of the future each partner envisions - individually and in the relationship.
Who does what?
While living with any new person comes with a world of big and small lifestyle adjustments, the stakes are just that much higher when it comes to sharing a room. This conversation is all the more important for women, because very often, women end up being saddled with the bigger chunk of the emotional labour - the responsibility to make decisions and delegate what needs to be done - in the relationship. Have a clear conversation about your expectations and what can be expected from you. Communicating your needs at the outset, and why you need your partner to be an equal participant in the humdrum decisions of running a house, will make things a lot smoother, going forward.
Who pays for what?
Financial dissonance can take a severe toll on otherwise happy relationships, creating resentment and feelings of anger between two people. It's highly improbable that your partner and you will have the exact same patterns of behaviour when it comes to money and how much should be spent on what. Maybe you're the kind of person who buys groceries from an exclusive gourmet store, while your partner likes buying in bulk from the cheapest neighbourhood store. It's possible that your cost of essentials - with all the shampoos, lotions and creams - is higher than theirs, while their food expenses far outdo yours. Be fair and realistic while discussing money, not stingy or over-exacting. It might be embarrassing to ask them to pay a bigger share of the groceries bill, but a one-time awkward conversation is far better than seething silently every week while shopping for food. Do it.
