10 Conversations All Couples Should Have Before Tying The Knot

Before tying the knot, couples need to have some difficult conversations that can go a long way in preventing marital discord. It is important to know in advance what 'life' together might look like.

'Life' is based on values and lifestyles, and if there are major differences in core values and envisioned lifestyles, all the love and passion in the world cannot prevent a rift.

Since 'prevention is better than cure' it is imperative that committed couples start getting radically and painfully honest with themselves and with their partner, and talk about important issues which are usually left unaddressed in the midst of all the heady romantic talk. Your life together houses your love, and if you love each other but hate your life together, co-existence becomes virtually impossible.

When you say 'I do' you barely know what you are saying 'I do' to if you have not previously, consciously, freely and frankly discussed the 'life' to be shared together. It may annoy you today when I ask you to come down from the clouds of romance to the pragmatism of real life, but it is better to be annoyed today than to be sorry tomorrow.

Here are a few things you should discuss before you finally decide to tie the knot.

1. Financial Lifestyle

While most people cringe at the thought of discussing money pre-maritally when you are seeing the relationship in rosy hues, it is a grave error not to do so. When the 'my' money, 'your' money, and 'our' money concepts are unclear in the relationship, there can be a major problem. What constitutes needs, comforts and luxuries? Spending and saving styles, a retirement plan, individual financial debts (if any), any financial obligations to one's primary family etc, must all be frankly discussed and negotiated in a way that is comfortable for both.

2. Home Lifestyle

When you decide to live together in marriage, you are sharing your safe physical space with someone else. Therefore, the home needs to nurture not only the relationship, but the individuals as well. Both need to feel good about the space they call home.

Planning a home together requires not only planning the finances for purchasing and maintaining it, but also discussing the kind of life you envision living in that home. Who you would like to share or not share your home with, the roles both play in homemaking, how particular you are about orderliness at home, how comfortable are you with house guests or entertaining at home, would you have hired help etc, are all questions that need to tackled.

3. Professional Lifestyle

You might require your partner's support, encouragement, help or understanding while you pursue your work goals. You might need your partner to be your sounding board and need a lot of space as you often bring work home. You might need or expect your partner to socialize with your colleagues/superiors and need him/her to understand your socialising with colleagues, offsite meetings, work related travel, continuing education programs, and long hours at work. If your work goals and aspirations clash with your partner's dreams and aspirations regarding the lifestyle that he/she envisions for the two of you, there could be a strain in the relationship. Therefore talking about your work life, your work related needs and your ambitions, is an important conversation a couple must have before committing to share a life together.

4. Sexual Lifestyle

Levels of desire and sexual appetites may vary between partners, and also change during different periods of one's life. Therefore, it is imperative to keep the lines of communication open between partners to discuss such variations in sexual arousal and desire levels. One's preferences in bed also need to be freely and frankly discussed, so that your partner knows and understands your desires, your likes and dislikes, and both can co-create a mutually fulfilling sexually intimate space.

5. Food Lifestyle

How we view food, how we shop for it, prepare it, serve it and eat it, says a lot about us. Do we eat to live or live to eat?
Very often, grocery shopping together, preparing meals together, dining out together can be a deeply connecting experience for couples. Do you match in this area?
Some people like to dine out regularly, while others see it as a luxury to be confined to special occasions. Some are very conscientious about eating health foods while others love junk food. Some are rigid in their tastes and preferences, while others love to experiment with new food all the time. Some are restricted in their food due to religious beliefs, chronic health conditions, or weight control, while others are unconcerned even at the cost of their health/fitness. This can be a cause for serious conflict as time goes on as food and health play a major part in your life lived together.

6. Family Lifestyle

One might be happy with the extended family coming home at any time, announced or unannounced, while the other might want family over only at a mutually acceptable time. One might see it as perfectly okay to take the opinion of one's mother in how to do up the home and how to raise the child, but the other might view it as intrusive into the couple's space. One might prefer living as a joint family and the other might prefer a nuclear unit. Therefore, the extent of the involvement of the family in the couple's life needs to be clarified, as it is a very sensitive issue, and is one that has the potential to destroy harmonious relating.

7. Parenting Lifestyle

People might have strong views regarding children i.e. whether to have children or not, how to raise them, what values to inculcate in them, how to discipline them, what kind of childcare to provide, the education, religious/spiritual beliefs etc. Therefore, to avoid future problems these issues need to be shared. If the differences of opinions are not sorted out amicably in advance, the sufferers are mainly the children who become pawns in their parents' hands.

8. Social Lifestyle

Personal friendships can be a source of joy or stress in the relationship. One may not always be comfortable with a group of friends or a particular friend of the partner. Therefore, it is invaluable to share your views on friends, community building, sharing time with friends (individually or as a couple). Whether either one feels that the relationship might be threatened/benefitted by any particular friendship/social group is also an important discussion to have. Since one partner might be more inclined to socialize than the other, sharing this information can help co-create a lifestyle which is comfortable for both.

9. Religious or Spiritual Lifestyle

For some people religion is confined to births, deaths and marriages, but for others it is an integral part of their everyday life. For many others, spirituality and personal growth has assumed a great importance in their daily lives. The practice of Yoga and meditation techniques, attending prayer meetings, going for personal growth programs etc, is fairly common today. Therefore, it is important to share your spiritual beliefs and lifestyle with your partner and to discuss whether this lifestyle will be willingly shared by both. If not shared, then will one honor and respect the other's choices?

10. Communication Lifestyle

Some people feel an urgent need for resolution when things heat up in an argument and feel anxious until they've thrashed things out there and then. Others might need some cooling off period, and therefore feel anxious if they are forced to resolve matters there and then. They need some calm interpersonal space before the matter is taken up again.

Some people talk in great descriptive narrations which can overwhelm the other who feels burdened with the elaborate details. They need to learn to extract the key points and keep it concrete so that the other is not lost in translation. Others exercise excessive verbal economy to the point that the partner feels cut out from their life. He/she needs more sharing of thoughts and feelings to feel meaningfully connected to their partner.

Some people are more direct in their communication at the risk of offending their partners, while others are indirect and communicate in a roundabout way to avoid offending the other - but this often leads to more complications.

Both, therefore, need to know each other's style and need to adopt a middle ground by getting out of their own habitual patterns and ensuring that the communication is always mutually respectful and sensitive.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.