Is It Normal For Women To Not Have An Orgasm During Sex?

Sexual Pleasure for a woman is a personal experience, not to be compared with, or measured against any so-called norm, as that serves no purpose other than to make her feel anxious and unduly doubt herself and her own experience.

It is important to not let the 'goal' of orgasm overshadow the entire experience of lovemaking. Desire, foreplay, arousal, intercourse and orgasm is an entire experience, and therefore it's important to relax and feel your way through the entire pleasure experience.

Feeling connected and emotionally close to your partner, and having a loving and affectionate relationship in general, creates the right ambience for lovemaking. When both clearly communicate what pleasures them, and when both listen to and respect each other's preferences, it sets the stage for mutual pleasure and fulfilment.

Orgasm in a woman during partner sex is an active sexual response to feeling desired and turned on by the partner, not only in bed but also outside the bedroom.

Sometimes women are stressed out with worries about pregnancy as no contraceptive measures are being used, they maybe new mothers with fatigue due to sleepless nights, too many responsibilities at home, office stress in working women, financial worries, health concerns of family member, grief over death of a near one, and other life events. These stressors occupy her mind even in bed and might affect her sexual responsiveness and she might be unable to orgasm.

Disabilities, chronic or acute physical diseases, physical pain, mental disorders, post surgical phase, certain medications, hormonal issues, emotional or physical abuse by the partner, or sexual abuse (past or present), could all adversely affect sexual responsiveness and result in the inability to orgasm.

Consulting your doctor to ensure your physical health, and consulting a mental health professional to ensure your mental and emotional health is imperative in such cases, as sexual health and pleasure are possible in a healthy body-mind.

While having an orgasm is a natural culmination of the act of lovemaking, it is not the only measure of sexual pleasure during partner sex. Unfortunately there is too much focus on orgasm in the media, in the pharmaceutical industry and the sex toy industry, and the porn industry only serves to perpetuate the notion that if your experience in sex is not an earth shattering climax with loud groans and ecstatic facial expressions, you are not normal. This makes women often undermine the natural sexual pleasure they experience.

Also the myth that it is the man that must ensure her orgasm is a rampant one in women, who assume the missionary position and demand to be serviced with an orgasm. Women therefore need to be educated to actively participate and be involved in mutual arousal, and find their own way of climaxing in the act.

Some women who have been self-pleasuring regularly since their early teens find it difficult to orgasm during intercourse while they can easily orgasm during masturbation. This is her 'normal' if she is happy with her different sexual experience with self and with her partner.

Some women enjoy sexual pleasure with her partner in ways other than penetrative intercourse, and may experience orgasm in different ways which are her 'normal'.

If however, the woman is physically and emotionally healthy, has a loving relationship with her partner, has no stressor or obstacle in experiencing orgasm, and yet is not able to orgasm alone or with her partner in any way, then she must visit a Psychotherapist (with expertise in Sexual Counselling) to explore her psychosexual history so as to get to the bottom of the matter.

Finally, remember that pleasure is defined by self and what is 'normal' is also decided by self and not based on any prescribed norms. Therefore, it's important to explore your own sexuality in a relaxed and liberated way, and be happy with your own pleasure experience.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.