"Am I Dating A Boyfriend Or Raising One?": Why Women Are Tired Of Mankeeping

New Delhi:

If modern dating had a tagline, it would probably be: "Now featuring unpaid emotional labour!" Somewhere between decoding the difference between "you up?" texts and reminding grown men that asking "how was your day?" is basic relationship hygiene, women have begun asking themselves a very valid question: Why does loving a man so often feel like managing one?

From planning dates and initiating difficult conversations to coaxing emotional vulnerability and reminding them to text their friends back, women have gradually slipped into a role that feels more like emotional management than mutual connection. And now, they're tired. Very, very tired.

What Is Mankeeping?

The term mankeeping was coined by Stanford researcher Angelica Ferrara to define the unpaid emotional labour women do to sustain men's social and psychological well-being. It's a riff on "kinkeeping", a sociological term from the 1980s referring to the behind-the-scenes work (usually by women) to keep families connected.

But while kinkeeping involved planning birthdays or reminding cousins to call their grandma, mankeeping is more insidious. It involves being the sole emotional sounding board for a partner, orchestrating their social life, and mentoring them in basic interpersonal behaviour, from how to comfort someone to when to apologise.

Psychologist Dr Gunjan Arya puts it simply: "Mankeeping is the emotional equivalent of being tech support, HR, and a life coach for your partner, all rolled into one and doing it for free."

The Emotional Mentor Fatigue Is Real

According to a 2025 survey by the Relationship Wellness Institute, 72% of single women say they are tired of emotionally mentoring the men they date. That statistic isn't just a number, it's an epidemic of exhaustion (quite literally).

"I've dated men older than me, men in therapy, even divorced men-and I've still had to spell out what romantic effort looks like," says 30-year-old Aparna Rao, a communications professional in Delhi, adding "It's like I have to explain that texting back isn't emotional intimacy, it's just basic decency."

It's not uncommon for women to find themselves teaching their partners how to express affection, how to comfort during distress, or even how to carry on a conversation beyond their own thoughts.

"Acts of service, romantic gestures, emotional reciprocity, none of this comes instinctively to many men because they've rarely been expected to offer it," says Dr Arya. "Instead, women are expected to lead the emotional choreography, while also clapping for the smallest moves men make," she adds. 

The Shrinking Male Social Circle, Why Does It Matter?

At the heart of mankeeping lies another disturbing trend: men's rapidly deteriorating social networks. In a 2024 report by the Global Mental Health Alliance, over 45% of men between the ages of 25-40 admitted they had no close male friends to talk to about personal struggles.

With Gen Z and millennial men quitting alcohol and smoking, a trend widely linked to smaller, less frequent social gatherings, traditional bonding spaces are vanishing. No longer finding release through bar nights or smoke breaks, men are increasingly turning to their romantic partners as their only outlet. Or in some cases, going silent.

"When men lose these auxiliary emotional ecosystems, they offload everything - stress, fear, joy, resentment-on to one person: their girlfriend," says Dr Rohit Koliyot, a Bengaluru-based therapist specialised in men's mental health. "And while emotional vulnerability is beautiful, making one person your entire support system is unsustainable and often unfair," he adds.

Romance Shouldn't Be An Instruction Manual

Many women today aren't just expressing fatigue; they're reevaluating what they even want in a partner. "Why do I have to explain how to comfort me when I cry? Why do I need to list out what being a good boyfriend looks like?" asks Sana Ahmed, 25, a graphic designer in Delhi. She adds, "At this point, I don't want a relationship, I want rest."

The emotional mentoring women offer often begins subtly: a gentle nudge to hang out with friends, a suggestion to seek therapy, an encouraging word when they open up. But over time, this trickle becomes a torrent.

"You find yourself saying things like, 'Hey, it would mean a lot if you made a plan once in a while,' or 'Maybe try asking me how my day was, too?' Suddenly, you realise you're teaching someone how to be a partner. I always ask myself, 'Am I dating a boyfriend or am I raising one," says 26-year-old lawyer Raksha Agarwal. 

A One-Way Street Of Care

This imbalance also has long-term consequences for women's mental health. Several studies have found that women in relationships where they feel they give more emotionally report lower satisfaction, higher stress and a greater likelihood of breaking up or divorcing.

"When care becomes one-directional, it stops being love and starts being labour. And unlike paid labour, there's no time off, no recognition, and no emotional reimbursement," says Dr Arya.

In heterosexual relationships, especially, this pattern often goes unchallenged.

"Women are socialised from an early age to be emotionally intelligent, nurturing, and accommodating. Men are often told that vulnerability is weakness, so when they finally open up, they lean hard on the woman closest to them," adds Dr Koliyot. 

The Final Word

To be clear, the goal isn't to shame men for seeking support. The issue is outsourcing the entire job of emotional growth and maintenance to the women in their lives.

"Mankeeping isn't solved by a single deep conversation," says Dr Arya. "It's solved when men begin taking responsibility for their own emotional education. When they build friendships with depth, go to therapy, read books on relationships, not just rely on their girlfriends to summarise it for them."

For now, many women are drawing boundaries. They're recognising that being emotionally available doesn't mean becoming emotionally exploited. Some are pausing dating altogether, embracing solitude or female friendships instead.

Because love, at its best, is about mutuality, not management.