You have been texting someone for weeks. They view your stories, drop you a text every now and then and vanish. Does this sound familiar? You might be dealing with a breadcrumber. According to National Institute of Medicine, “Breadcrumbing originates from the noun “breadcrumbs”, which means “very small pieces of dried bread, especially used in cooking”. Breadcrumbing is defined as “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e., “breadcrumbs”) to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort” or “when the “crush” has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention.”
The phrase "breadcrumbing" is frequently used in regard to contemporary dating and relationships. It is a behaviour in which one person, without intending to fully commit or enter into a relationship, delivers inconsistent and frequently ambiguous messages to keep another person interested or involved.
One might excuse a breadcrumber as being aloof or “bad at texting” but the issue is far more serious than that. Breadcrumbers are often manipulators that know how much and how little they need to interact with you in order to keep you hooked without having to commit.
What does breadcrumbing look like?
- Flirty, vague messages that seem non-committal. For example, messaging “miss you” but with a sexual connotation like winky emojis.
- Liking or viewing your stories and posts online but not reaching out personally on text or call.
- Promising without a plan. Suggesting you should hang out but not making intentional steps towards hanging out with you.
- Avoiding conversations about the relationship status and responsibility. Questions like 'where is this going?' get deflected.
- They only show up when it benefits them or is convenient to them.
- You feel emotionally confused and exhausted, waiting for contact and trying to understand mixed signals.
Researchers who developed the BREAD-ASR instrument describe breadcrumbing as “sporadic communication, lack of commitment and avoidance of uncomfortable interactions” — a behaviour pattern that can be measured and screened for. That's not just pop-psych: it's an observed social phenomenon with tools made to study it.
Contact through phone might blur lines of your relationship, making breadcrumbing easier
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Why do people breadcrumb?
While it is hard to map out why exactly humans act the way they do, there are some factors more common than others. Here are some common reasons they might be breadcrumbing you:
1. Narcissism
Studies show breadcrumbers might be associated with having personalities with high levels of narcissism. People with narcissistic traits often feel no remorse for how they make others feel and might hurt you for their gain.
2. Lack of self-esteem
Having someone fawning over them gives them the satisfaction of being desirable and enough. They might string you along as an attempt to fulfil their need to be wanted.
3. Immature
While it is no excuse, studies suggest a breadcrumber might breadcrumb just because they lack the ability to commit. They are addicted to the chase and don't want to commit to a healthy, long relationship.
4. Validation
To a breadcrumber, abundance of attention helps them validate themselves. The feeling of being wanted without wanting them back can help them feel more confident and validated.
These are some of the many reasons why people might breadcrumb. These factors help us better understand the breadcrumber's personality traits and identify markers of breadcrumbing.
Breadcrumbers might lower your self-esteem by keeping you on the hook for validation
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How to get out of the breadcrumbing cycle?
Getting breadcrumbed can be emotionally exhausting as well as hurtful. Expecting a person to commit to you and meet your emotional needs is not farfetched. You are not looking for the wrong thing but rather, looking for the right thing in the wrong direction. Here are some ways to overcome breadcrumbing:
1. Set your boundaries
Research emphasis providing clarity and boundaries like telling the person what you want and what you won't accept. If they don't give you the answers you need but instead breadcrumb you, treat that as information. This indicates they won't match your needs.
2. Measure in actions, not words
As they say, it is easier said than done. A breadcrumber might hurt you by promising things but not delivering them. Make a simple rule to yourself: if they promise something but don't deliver, it is time for you to move on.
3. Cut the digital leash
Reduce your access to the crumbs. Every like or comment can feel like a crumb to lead you on. Mute them or remove them from your social media. This ensures all your conversations are one-on-one. This lowers the intermittent ways through which they reach out to you to keep you hooked.
4. Rebuild your standards
While a breadcrumber might get an ego boost, getting breadcrumbed can dent your self-esteem. Reconnect with your friends and seek emotional support. Try new activities and hobbies to boost your mood.
How to prevent breadcrumbing?
The easiest way to avoid breadcrumbers is to understand what you want from that person and cutting them off if they don't deliver the same. Make your intentions clear be it casual or committed. Also try to meet in person since patterns are clearer than when talking online. Most importantly, trust consistent behaviour over slick words with no credibility.
What's the takeaway?
Breadcrumbing is a vicious dating tactic to keep one hooked without having to commit. But fortunately, it is measurable. Lack of effort, consistency, care for your wellbeing can be obvious signs they just want you around for their convenience. Draw firm boundaries and lay out your expectations. If they continue to not fulfil your expectations, it is time to move on. Prioritise your emotional health and rebuild yourself so you can avoid breadcrumbers in the future.
Disclaimer: This content including advice provides generic information only. It is in no way a substitute for a qualified medical opinion. Always consult a specialist or your doctor for more information. NDTV does not claim responsibility for this information.
References
Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health (MDPI), 2020.
Development and Validation of Breadcrumbing in Affective-Sexual Relationships (BREAD-ASR) Questionnaire: Introducing a New Online Dating Perpetration, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health (MDPI), 2020.
Attachment insecurity and breadcrumbing engagement in young adults: a cross-sectional, cross-country study in India and Spain, BMC Psychology (Springer Nature), 2023.
Young Adults' Perception of Breadcrumbing Victimization in Dating Relationships, Societies (MDPI), 2023.
