Confrontation Can Be Healthy For Your Relationship If You Follow These 5 Rules Of Engagement

Differences of opinion are bound to exist between two intelligent human beings, and a confrontation is the natural result of such differences. But whether the confrontation is constructive or destructive will depend largely on what you argue about, how you argue your points of view, and, equally importantly, how you end the confrontation.

Disagreements and subsequent arguments can be healthy and actually lead to some much-needed constructive changes in the relationship. So rather than engaging in a cold war where both partners are feeling embittered and are smoldering below the surface, it is better to have it out by giving a voice to legitimate feelings. Having a heart-to-heart will give the relationship an opportunity to evolve, as the partners honestly share their feelings.

An important point to be noted is that when you know what you're arguing about is unreasonable, and you're only being stubborn and trying to get your way to prove a point, give it up right away. Because you may win, but your relationship will lose. If you have decided that the 'I' must win at any cost, remember that the 'we' loses.

Even if what you are arguing about is reasonable, there are specific rules of engagement which you need to adhere to, or else once again you may end up winning the battle but losing the war.

Rules of Confrontation

Stay with the subject - This means that the argument must stay focussed on the subject matter of discussion and not deteriorate into a free-for-all, where histories are raked up, other matters taken up and personal attacks are made. If this is allowed to happen, then you get de-focussed from the subject and nothing gets resolved. As a result the same subject will come up again and again, because what needs to be said is not getting said.

Both partners must keep the awareness of the topic of discussion and remind oneself and the other by saying, 'Let's stay on the subject and talk about other issues at another time'. Beware of becoming defensive if your partner's comments start striking too close to home -- you must know that if something your partner is saying is making you unduly uncomfortable, there must be some truth to it. Also, if you lash out in defense, you will stray from the subject again and as a result, the same unresolved subject will come up again.

Identify the real issue - Very often, there are deeper underlying issues which manifest as certain symptoms. For example, anger is merely a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, frustration, pain or feelings of inadequacy. And so, it is pointless to argue without identifying and acknowledging the real issue. All the energy expended in an argument is wasted if the underlying issue is left unaddressed, and the argument leaves you feeling even more frustrated. It is better to use the format - 'I feel.......because.......' instead of the accusatory format - 'You are..........', 'You always........', or 'You never..........'. So, it is wiser to say 'I feel rejected because you choose to spend most of your free time watching cricket instead of doing things with me', instead of 'You never spend time with me' or 'You are so self-centred' or 'You are always glued to the television'. You must talk about what is really going on with you, and have the courage to voice your innermost feelings. When you say, 'I feel rejected .....', you are risking vulnerability with your partner and are engaging in authentic communication of how you truly feel inside, instead of allowing the communication to be superficial, masked and anger-driven. Remember, you cannot have a meaningful relationship if you do not have the courage to get real with your feelings and risk vulnerability.

Know when to stop - There may be times when you are so driven by your anger, that even though your partner has given you what you want i.e. an acknowledgement of his/her contribution to the problem, a validation of your feelings, or an apology, you fail to recognise that you have already received what you were looking for. Very often, your partner may readily and quickly give you what you wanted, but you are not yet finished with your anger and so keep on pushing your partner. You go on venting, and what started out as you feeling hurt and angry now turns into your partner feeling hurt and angry, only because you do not know when to stop.

Simply state your point - Every issue or disagreement does not always require a thrashing out. Even if you are in the right, sometimes it is wise to simply and confidently state your point of view or your feeling without anxiously waiting for a response. Differences of opinion should not be taken as an attack on your self-worth requiring immediate and aggressive defence. By that, I'm not advocating passivity; I'm merely proposing that even when you are justified in your point of view, you can consciously choose to make an issue beyond a simple statement. If you have a healthy sense of self-worth, you will not feel the need to spring to your own defence every time you have the right to. The result will be that your partner will appreciate your maturity and the quiet dignity and assertiveness with which you state your point, and because of the change in stimulus, he/she may then see his/her own contribution to the problem more clearly.

End in a win-win scenario - How you end your disagreement is extremely important in determining not only the outcome of the topic of disagreement, but also the outcome of the entire relationship. If your relationship is based on the foundation of friendship, then more often than not, one partner will extend an olive branch, either through an apology, an acknowledgement of your point of view, a physical display of affection, humour or some other non-verbal communication of the need to reconnect.

This is a crucial juncture, because the partner trying to reconnect through the above-mentioned efforts, needs a verbal or non-verbal validating message from the other partner reassuring them that despite the disagreement, the relationship is still solid. If, however, there is a failure to recognise this olive branch, or if it is consciously ignored (the 'I' wins over the 'we'), you might find your relationship on shaky ground.

This is particularly important when you are in the right and your partner is clearly wrong. If your partner's attempts to diffuse the tension and de-escalate the fight is accepted and he is allowed to retreat with dignity, then the disagreement will have served to strengthen your relationship in more ways than one. So, hearing the call of truce, and responding with warmth will make you and your partner feel good, not only about yourselves but about the relationship as well, which is a win-win scenario for both.

The relationship is a living entity by itself, and it can survive only in the soil of friendship and in the climate of love, and more importantly, only if it is nurtured by both through healthy and constructive communication.

So do you want to be 'right' or 'happy' that is the question!

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle Ph.D. is a Senior Consulting Psychotherapist and Relationship Counsellor at the Heart to Heart Counselling Centre, Mumbai, and has been working with couples for the last three decades.