Representational image. (iStock)
Q: I am wondering how to handle my 3-year-old son, who only wants to wear his 5-year-old sister's dresses and clothes. If I insist that he wear his clothes, he gets upset and breaks down in sobs and says that he wants to be pretty. In all other ways, he is a "normal" boy. I've been reading recent stories about transgender kids and would be totally fine if my child is one. But, when asked, he continues to insist that he is a boy. Part of me thinks that this is just a phase and that he notices that girls' clothes are much more colorful and vibrant and wants a part of that. Of course, he also wants to be just like his older sister. It does become a problem when my daughter does not want to share her clothes with him and throws a fit or when he wants to go to preschool with a dress on. (I don't particularly care, but also don't want him to be teased. Kids can be cruel.) Any ideas on how to handle this would be appreciated.
A: The challenging aspect of this scenario is that there is so much we don't know about the mind of a 3-year-old child. Their lives are so moment-to-moment and impulse-to-impulse that it is nearly impossible for them to clearly tell you about their thoughts and feelings.
So, what do we know?
We know that he loves to wear colorful clothing and dresses, and he loves to look "pretty."
You also say he is a "normal" boy, which I am assuming means that he fits into the cultural norms of what is masculine for boys, such as playing with trucks, playing with lots of energy, enjoying jumping and climbing or enjoying superheroes. These "normal" boy activities still have little to do with what may or may not be happening with his clothing and wanting to be "pretty."
Let's begin with simple ideas. I would take him to a children's clothing store and see what he is attracted to. Could it be that he just isn't attracted to the parade of mostly navy and army-green shirts and pants that are sold to little boys? Maybe, visually speaking, he just likes more color, more patterns, more variety and more joie de vivre!
At the very least, help him choose some clothing that that makes him smile. You need to do this so that his sister can have some ownership over her clothes again. It is an untenable situation, as well as an unreasonable expectation, to have the brother continue to wear his sister's clothing. Your son has to have his own "pretty" wardrobe so that, at the very least, the sibling battles can end.
After the clothes-shopping trip, start to observe what happens with your son. Was this simply an issue of a 3-year-old using his imagination and literally (and figuratively) trying on different looks? Is he happy with his new wardrobe? Is he acting like a young child who is quite comfortable in his own skin now? Or does he want only his sister's clothing, as well as her things, suggesting that the issue is about sibling admiration?
The interesting developmental theory to keep in mind is that it is completely normal for young children to want to be the same as the person with whom they have a close relationship. I have seen little brothers paint their nails, put ribbons in their hair and dress as princesses simply because they loved and adored their sisters so much.
As these boys matured, they learned that there are other ways to stay connected to their sisters: sharing board games, sports, favorite movies and TV shows, and just joking around. The boys found their own voices and identities. The need to be like their sisters started to fall away naturally. The issue wasn't as much about gender as it was about being an individual.
In terms of teasing, I understand your fear. Every parent worries that his or her child could become a target. And if, in America, you have a boy who appears or sounds feminine? Well, the teasing is pretty much guaranteed.
That being said, we also cannot parent out of a place of fear. Parenting out of fear is far more insidious and damaging than any 3-year-old schoolyard teasing.
The truth here is that you don't know what the dresses are about. Chances are likely that he loves and adores his sister and is trying to be like her.
But there is a chance that there is something more.
Your only job is to be aware and watch your son, supporting him 100 percent by not punishing him or forcing him to dress or act like the other little boys. Above all, listen to your instincts.
If you continue to have questions or worries about your son being transgender, the Human Rights Campaign is a great place to start, with resources and articles that can help you understand how to best help your child and yourself.
The more you learn about gender and sexuality (and the differences between the two), the more empowered you and your family will be.
Good luck, and above all, accept your sweet son for whoever he is now and will be in the future.
© 2015 The Washington Post