Are You In Love, Or Are You Being Gaslit By Limerence?

Somewhere between a crush and something that feels like love, there exists a far more consuming emotional state. It is intense, addictive, and often mistaken for romance. But what if what you are feeling is not love at all?

Psychologists call it limerence. And once you understand it, a lot of modern dating behaviour suddenly starts to make uncomfortable sense.

What Exactly Is Limerence

"Limerence is an intense emotional fixation on someone where your mind keeps going back to them again and again. It's less about truly knowing the person and more about the feeling they create inside you," explains Varada VS, trauma-informed counselling psychologist.

At its core, limerence is not about the person you desire. It is about the emotional experience you are attaching to them.

Anupriya Meenakshi Banerjee, CEO of Doctor Drama and Your Affordable Accessible Safe Space, frames it as a disconnect between imagination and reality:

"A limerence in essence is the state of dissonance that people have where this fantasy of a romantic partnership that they have in their mind, that they have visualised with their emotions, their thoughts invested in it, doesn't always match up to the reality of things"

She adds that people often begin to build expectations and emotional investments that the other person has neither agreed to nor even expressed.

In simpler terms, limerence is not a relationship. It is a story you are telling yourself.

The Four Stages Of Limerence

Limerence does not arrive all at once. It builds gradually, often feeling harmless at first.

"It usually starts with attraction, then moves into constant thinking about the person," says Varada.

From there, it deepens into something more consuming:

• Attraction: A spark, often intense and immediate
• Intrusive thinking: You cannot stop thinking about them
• Emotional dependence: Their response starts affecting your mood
• Collapse or fade: It either dissolves over time or breaks when reality does not match the fantasy

By the time it reaches emotional dependence, the experience can feel indistinguishable from love. But it is not grounded in mutual understanding.

Limerence Vs Love

The confusion between limerence and love is not accidental. They can feel equally powerful, especially in the beginning.

"Love tends to feel steady and grounded. Limerence feels consuming. Love allows you to see a person as they are, while limerence often places them on a pedestal," Varada explains.

Banerjee uses a striking metaphor to explain this emotional substitution:

"It's like that child who wants a toy. Mama doesn't have time, Papa doesn't have time, but this doll will always have time for me," she says.

In other words, limerence often fills a gap. It is less about connection and more about comfort.

She further compares it to dependency, "It is akin to a sort of addiction that people form to cope and numb the sense of loneliness they have."

Love expands your world. Limerence narrows it down to one person.

Why Limerence Can Become Unhealthy

The danger with limerence is not just emotional intensity. It is the control it begins to exert over your mental state.

"When your emotional state starts depending on whether someone texts back, notices you, or validates you, it can create a cycle of anxiety and emotional highs and lows," says Varada.

Banerjee takes it further, calling it a pattern rooted in deeper emotional wounds. She says, "When you are in a state of liminence, there is an active suggestion that somewhere your safety in relationships was robbed"

She explains that people may project unmet needs from past relationships onto a new person, expecting them to fulfil roles they never agreed to.

This leads to a painful loop, "You are emotionally parking yourself till they you know choose you instead of rejecting you."

Over time, this can result in emotional burnout, loss of self-awareness, and even physical stress responses.

The Core Symptoms Of Limerence

Limerence is not subtle once it takes hold. The signs tend to be repetitive and overwhelming.

Varada lists the most common patterns:

• Constantly thinking about the person
• Reading too much into small interactions
• Emotional highs when they respond and crashes when they do not
• Imagining a connection that may not actually exist

Banerjee adds deeper behavioural cues, "There is an idealisation and placing people on a pedestal, a lot of intrusive thoughts where you aren't able to focus."

She also points to a loss of authenticity, "You might be a very different person with your friend, but when you're with that person, there are parts of you that are performing."

Perhaps the simplest test she offers is this: "Have a conversation and see if you all are on the same page or just a delulu in your head sort of situation, or is it something that is actually being reciprocated."

If there is a clear gap between what you feel and what is actually happening, that gap is where limerence lives.

How To Stop Feeling This Way?

The uncomfortable truth is that limerence cannot simply be switched off. But it can be understood and managed.

"The first step is recognising the pattern," says Varada.

"Creating emotional distance, reconnecting with your own routines and relationships, and gently questioning the fantasy you have built around the person can help break the cycle," she adds.

Banerjee is more direct about the process:

"You can't stop limerence, you can address it. It takes time to unlearn that your body is doing something like this, but it is possible."

She strongly recommends seeking support, especially when it begins to affect daily life:

"Limerence is always indicative of some level of trauma. You need trauma-informed care, helping you find safety."

Even outside therapy, she suggests widening perspective:

"Do speak to people beyond your friend circle. Don't try to only understand it alone because it is a very lonely state..."

So, Is It Love Or Is It Limerence?

If it feels overwhelming, all-consuming, and dependent on small signals from the other person, it might not be love.

Love is mutual, steady, and rooted in reality. Limerence is intense, uncertain, and often built on imagination.