For generations, men have been taught since a very young age what strength "should" look like. It is often defined by physical toughness, restraint on expressing emotions, not showing vulnerability, providing financially to their family, and always keeping their emotions under control - which often results in boys learning to be extremely self-reliant. The notion that strength also is about being in charge, or at times, aggressive, to assert power or status, is what the society nowadays portrays. The term "Boys don't cry", has always been extremely prominent and whispered in almost every household, which becomes an everyday mantra that is repeated on a day-to-day basis. But let us take a step back and look closer - can this be a misconceived definition?
This narrow definition of strength that is imbibed in boys becomes their inner world, and a concrete foundation with which they move forward in life and build adult relationships. While this becomes a permanent definition in every boy's life, with progression of mental health and individuals learning the importance of emotional expression, the conventional definition of "sensitivity" should not be looked at from a point of view of weakness, but rather from a perspective of resilience.
So what is 'sensitivity' exactly? It is the ability to communicate with respect and care for the other person, communicate disagreement while being assertive and honoring different opinions, having a realistic understanding of real world challenges, and staying aware of their own emotions - in simple words, a combination of emotional depth as well as social awareness.
Strength isn't about boys solely focusing on fulfilling the needs of others - but them accepting their own vulnerabilities and being able to express them with no judgement from the other person. Showcasing of "ideal masculinity and strength", whether through various cultural norms, and/or through social media portrayals, and what it looks like, often sends the message that revealing fear or sensitivity makes them "less masculine".
However, what is not taught to boys are the consequences of suppressing emotions and growing up with the misconceived definition of 'strength' - resulting in emotional numbness, and being disconnected with their 'true self' and with others.
The journey that boys take towards being emotionally and socially balanced, starts from their respective homes, where they see their parents and/or primary caregivers as a role model. This is their stepping stone in shaping how they understand and receive 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable' qualities and attributes - setting an influential example for boys, and becoming the foundation for their adult relationships. From a very young age, children are very prone towards verbal and non-verbal cues - body language, tone and voice during interactions, acknowledging of emotions, and openness towards expressing feelings. This shows how boys get an understanding of what is the "only acceptable" way for them to behave.
What is often not told to boys, is that acknowledging and expressing any emotion they feel, is what makes them human.
As 'being sensitive' is often misunderstood as being fragile and weak, what is overlooked is that this can be a stepping stone towards developing emotional intelligence and self awareness. Boys being able to recognize their emotions, understand when something feels wrong, and communicate it openly and healthily, comes from not just being sensitive, but also compassionate towards themselves.
In these situations, what does acknowledging emotions look like? Instead of saying "Don't cry", or "Boys should be strong", parents and/or caregivers validating and modelling healthy emotional expressions can look like "It's okay for you to feel this way", "I understand you are feeling angry. This situation would have made me feel angry as well", or "I understand you are feeling upset. I am here if you want to talk about it" - if you look closely, these statements name the emotion, validate it, and open up a healthy space for conversation. This helps them view emotions as part of being human, and not something that should be hidden.
Over the years, I have met men who struggle to express their emotions. When explored deeper, this has often traced back to early experiences where their feelings were dismissed - be it at home or in later relationships. With time, this has told them that their emotions and opinions "don't matter" or "aren't worth acknowledging".
Although society now is becoming more open about mental health, years of boys being conditioned this way is what they carry over their shoulders as they grow up. Giving them the space to express, leads to reinforcing emotions and opinions being valid, which can be transformative. Even though it can be a slow process, it helps them reclaim a sense of emotional autonomy that they might not have had a chance to develop.
Teaching boys that strength does not just mean physical strength, restraint over emotions, or having control over others, but also accepting vulnerable emotions to help shape them as emotionally healthy individuals, supporting the creation of a more compassionate society, which is the need of the hour.
(By Ms Netra Rao, Counseling Psychologist at Rocket Health)
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