- A 26-year-old UPSC aspirant sold his study materials for Rs 464 after four exam attempts
- His last attempt ended at Prelims, failing to qualify for Mains for the first time
- He described the books as symbols of years of effort, sacrifices, and emotional struggle
A 26-year-old UPSC aspirant has opened up about the emotional toll of spending years preparing for the civil services examination, only to eventually sell his books and study material to a scrap dealer for just Rs 464. After four attempts, including three consecutive Mains appearances in 2023, 2024 and 2025, the aspirant decided to walk away from the exam. His latest attempt ended at the Prelims stage, marking the first time he had failed to qualify for Mains.
"Yesterday I sold the last lot of it. The NCERTs I started with. Laxmikant. My very first test papers, the ones from when this whole thing still felt like a beginning instead of an ending. And a lot more," he wrote in a Reddit post.
For him, these were more than study materials. They represented years of early-morning study sessions, repeated attempts, self-doubt and the determination to keep trying. Every book was a reminder of the person he had become during his UPSC journey.
"I put it all on one side of the kabadiwala's weighing scale. And with every book that landed on that pile, something in me went numb. Hollow. Because that stack wasn't paper; it was every mock I wrote for Mains, every Prelims test, every analysis sheet I made at 4 AM, and every page of notes in handwriting I used to be proud of. It was answers I'd corrected, rewritten, corrected again, trying to get one mark closer each time. It was effort. Years of it. Dear to me in a way I don't think I can fully explain to anyone who hasn't lived inside a UPSC prep cycle," he added.
See the post here:
Sold all my UPSC books and mock tests to the kabadiwala yesterday. Here's what it felt like.
by u/Sol-Invictus-10 in UPSC
His preparation had also come with significant personal and professional sacrifices. In 2022, he chose not to take up a high-paying job because he believed he could build a career through the civil services. Over the years, he also went through the end of a four-year relationship, while repeatedly starting over and convincing himself to make one more attempt.
"Restart after restart. Hope, grit, that stubborn fighter spirit that kept saying one more try. But when the last book finally went on the pile, all of that, the years, the version of myself I built and rebuilt for this, got measured in kilograms," he wrote.
In return, he received Rs 464.
Someone nearby told him that he could have negotiated for another Rs 100 or Rs 200. But by then, the money hardly seemed important. He felt that the books had already failed to give him what he had ultimately wanted from them, making the difference in their scrap value insignificant. "What I needed from these books, I never got. So what does another hundred or two, more or less, really change now," he added.
He later donated the Rs 464 at a temple and concluded the post saying, "I took the Rs 464 and donated it at the temple. " Not for merit, not for luck – for next time, there is no next time. Just to tell God, quietly: I still have a bigger heart than you did with me."
His post resonated with UPSC aspirants and former candidates online, many of whom said they could relate to the pressure, sacrifices and emotional exhaustion that can come with preparing for one of India's toughest competitive examinations.
One user wrote, "My journey is quite similar to yours. Only a UPSC aspirant who has lived through these can understand what you are going through. That last line brought tears. Good luck. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Another commented, "The last line felt like a bullet. Wishing you the strength and courage to reach your goals."
A third said, "It's therapeutic to read this. Good luck with everything, man! I wish you the best in life. I wish we all gathered the courage to step out of this loophole and love life for what it is," while a fourth added, "Life goes on, buddy. Nothing is a defeat if you do it for experience. Godspeed."
