- Jeff Guenther, a US therapist, called the quote "You can't love others until you love yourself" inaccurate
- According to him, people with low self-esteem or mental health struggles can still love deeply and genuinely
- He believes the quote oversimplifies issues and ignores real emotional patterns shaped by past experiences
A popular self-help quote that we often get to see on social media - "You can't love others until you love yourself" - is misleading, according to a US-based therapist.
Details
Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland (US), called the statement inaccurate in a video shared on Instagram on March 30. He said real-life experiences clearly show that people who struggle with self-esteem or mental health are still capable of deep and genuine love.
Taking aim at the quote, Jeff said that it ignores how people actually behave in relationships.
"People with crippling self-esteem love their kids with everything they have. People in the middle of a depressive episode show up for their friends. People who genuinely hate themselves stay loyal, stay present, stay - the love is real. It's there. You can see it," he said.
Jeff explained that the quote may be trying to highlight emotional patterns caused by unresolved issues, the wording oversimplifies the issue.
"What the phrase is trying to say and failing to is that unresolved stuff creates patterns. Anxious attachment, self-abandonment, picking people who are turds that confirm your worst beliefs about yourself. That's real," he noted.
However, he stressed that these patterns do not mean a person is incapable of love. Instead, they reflect learned behaviours driven by past experiences, particularly those formed in childhood or previous relationships.
According to Jeff, such patterns may "create friction," but they are not permanent or unfixable.
He also pointed out that the phrase is often used in a damaging way - especially towards people who already feel isolated or unworthy. The quote, he said, is frequently interpreted to mean that people must first reach a certain standard of self-worth before they are "allowed" to seek connection.
"So, they stay alone and call it working on themselves, which sometimes is just staying alone. But here's the thing. Some people only find their way to self-worth through loving someone," he explained.
Jeff added that consistency and emotional presence in relationships often help people realise their own value.
"You show up, you're consistent, you didn't bail when it got hard, and that becomes evidence that you're capable, that you're not what you thought you were. That's not a lesser version of healing. For a lot of people, that's just the actual path," he said.
He concluded by emphasising that human beings are wired for connection and that emotional healing often happens through relationships - not in isolation.
Maintaining distance from others because one feels "not fixed enough" is loneliness shaped by misleading messages online, not self-growth, he warned.
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