Nobody Crushes It Like Sharad Pawar

(Rishi Majumder is an associate partner at the new media company Oijo)

Life can deliver nasty surprises. Imagine this. You wake up one day to the fact that you're the former Chief Minister of an Indian state-let's say  Maharashtra-and the current Chairman of a political party that's ruled it for three consecutive terms. Then the nasty bit: this time round you've won a measly 41 out of 288 seats in the state election.

There's the additional niggling pain of corruption charges that are being brought against some of your key party and family members.

What do you do?

Kautilya's Arthashatra, not without merits, is futile in dealing with a problem of such specificity. The same holds for Machiavelli's The Prince. You could turn towards more recent examples. House of Cards?




But this isn't Washington.

Therefore, this. An easy to use seven-step-guide tailored to meet your demands. Read to win.  

1.    Know Your Enemy

Or rather, who voted for them. For instance, landing 41 seats despite the anti-incumbency that accompanies three terms shows you that you still have a sizeable chunk of loyal voters you're unlikely to lose soon.

The winning party, on the other hand, has many new voters who had earlier voted for you, but who have now chosen it because it is 'different'. A key campaign plank for your opponent was 'change'. A part of this 'change' would be, naturally, bringing your party members and others to book for corruption that's been felt to have been rampant.

But new voters are fickle. Those who change their preference once may well do so again. What you have to show them for this is that your opponents are not really 'different' at all. That the idea of 'change', in this case, is just another barren promise.

2. Know Thyself

The good thing about where you are is that you have little to lose. A good time for some gumption.

Baffled? Watch this



In short, this is an excerpt from a 1993 Bollywood film where the character played by Shah Rukh Khan loses a race to the father of Kajol's character-played by Dilip Tahil. He then charms him, woos his daughter and robs him of everything he owns. An inspiring tale. Think of yourself as-who else-Shah Rukh Khan. Kajol is your desired voter base and Dilip Tahil that vile party that just beat you at the polls.

The excerpt contains the film's most quoted dialogue: Haar kar jeetne waale ko baazigar kehten hain (Rough translation: He who loses and then wins is called The Great Gambler).

There can be a corollary to this. Drawing from our very own Bambaiya (Mumbai slang): He who wins and then loses is called the great poppat.

Poppat (Pronounced: Pow-pat) (noun) (Plural: Poppat): 1. An arrogant person who makes the wrong moves because he is too confident for his own good. 2. A parrot.

Bottomline: If you can ensure you're the baazigar and your opponent the poppat, you'll have come this much closer to attaining:

3.    Keep your Enemies Close, Your Frenemies Closer.

Here's channeling The Godfather ("Keep your friends close, your enemies closer."). So your opponent, despite being the party with the maximum number of seats, needs more numbers to be able to form a government? Offer 'unconditional support'.

There are two kinds of games people play. One's the fair kind. If that's what you like, you should have chosen a career in sports. The other's the kind that's rigged so your opponent loses the moment he or she agrees to play it, like a slot machine at a good casino.

This is the category your offer of 'unconditional support' belongs to. If your opponents have any political experience to speak of, they will refuse it publicly. They don't? Cha-ching!

If they even seem to suggest they're considering your offer, this round goes to you. Their new voters will see them in the same light in which your opponents have made them see you. "What 'change'?" they will ask.

4. The Carrot and the Decoy

Don't underestimate your opponents. Rather make them underestimate you. First, make them an offer they can't refuse.

Is there another ally the winning party is having trouble with? Carrot. Tick.

Remember, everyone loves 'options'. You're actually a 'non-option', but you make them feel spoilt for choice. How? Note the key word: 'unconditional'.

Next, the decoy. Making them underestimate you. Appear needy and weak. Act as if you're terrified by those corruption charges. Truth is, the way justice moves, it'll be a while before any of your party members are behind bars. Also, when this happens, you can always make him or her look like a martyr. But for now, look scared. Very scared.

5.    Dance like a Woman

You know how there's sometimes a kind woman on the dance floor with a very awkward male partner? She's leading him all the way, but he actually feels like he's killing it.

They'll need a vote of confidence in Assembly to be able to govern without the support of any other ally.

Agree.

They may want this to be a 'voice vote', instead of a division of votes, so there's no substantial way of telling who supported whom.

Agree.

In fact, try and suggest this to them.

After the voice vote, do a jig to this number. 



The refrain: "Jaava Naveen Poppat ha! Lagla Mitu Mitu Bolaila!"

Rough translation from Marathi: "I have a new parrot! How sweet it sounds!"

6.    Make a U-turn

You can tell a seasoned driver by how smoothly he or she U-turns. Ditto for politicians. And Mumbai is U-turn City. There's no simple, straight way to get anywhere. Try getting to Mantralaya during rush hour and you'll know.

So, soon as you get whiff of the fact that your new frenemies are thinking of patching up with old friends, call for a conclave in Alibag. Take them apart here. Announce that ensuring the survival of the new government isn't your priority. If this happens to be a party targeting a Hindu votebank, call it out on secret reverse polarization plans. Ask your party workers to be ready for fresh polls. Things like that.

There's a popular Mumbai saying - "Alibag se aaya hai kya (Have you come from Alibag)?"-which basically denotes the subject's naivete. Holding your conclave at Alibag will make things seem more surreal than ever. To add to the chaos, the very next day, take another U-turn. Squarely deny you had any intention to withdraw support in the first place. When you can't convince them, confuse them. Then confuse them some more.

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